Wednesday, February 28, 2007
And for you guys who always keep on coming back for my unprofessional and very very bad writing, I thank you, steelerblogger from Colorado, you my dear reader from Benguet, Addition Hills, The one from China, the guy from Procter and Gamble from AOL...even the guy from the Presidential Office...those people that I so often see coming back to be traumatized by my bad writing. THANK YOU.
Now one favor from you guys.
Can you help me spread the word about my little blog? I mean it would be so much fun and inspiring to write fun stuff if there are a lot of crazy people reading it. You could tell them about my blog thru email, thru your own blog and maybe we could link each others blog so we can help one another and be one big happy blogging family!
You could also email me personally at firstname.lastname@example.org and give me suggestions and stuff that you would want me to write about or ANY negative comment so I could improve on my bad writing and humour that i know SUCKS big time! I promise I'll write back! I swear I'm willing to trade my first born child! Joke!
Thank you so much! Hope to hear from you soon okay? I'm begging you... hahahaha!
Gurl next Door
Now, the clothes that are just plain ugly and absurd.This is Dior's take on a Parisian mademoiselle that somehow magically becomes an Asian rice peddler/prostitute that again, magically was able to afford a crocodile and fur galore ensemble. Nevermind that she's wearing sky high platforms on a muddy Asian street.
A dress that your 5 year old kid can make out of folding papers. Origami anyone? NOT water resistant btw.
But of course there are dresses that are actually WEARABLE and might even look good on humans.
Holly: Hey Maria! Send in the wheelchair here you bitch, I'm already beside the pool! Did you put him to sleep?! Good! Now help me push push PUSH!!!
Am I THE HOTNESS or what...You know, sometimes I try not to look in the mirror that much coz I can't help thanking God for making me soo exotically beautiful despite having the largest mouth in the biz.
Okay to further stress my point, I will compare my boobs with that fat obese woman in white. Ugh! Don't she have any fashion sense at all? I mean she's all fat and gooey and she's wearing a white ruched frock for crying out loud!? Don't she totally look like a detergent bubble? That's what you get for eating too much Cheetos every night. Ewww.
Okay, so here it is, now THERE! Can you see the difference between MY boobs and her tubs of lard? See! *wiggle wiggle* Oh look Mama! No hands! It's still WAY up there!"
MyGod I'm So PERFECT!
Too bad she is being held captive by a Hollywood actor with bad skin tone and yucky tuxedo. He seems to say " Look at my bride, isn't she pretty? She's not SCARY right?! And look, she's like 3 years pregnant but no bump whatsoever...cool huh?! I'm the man! I'm the MAN!!!"
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
But who would have thought that this "nobody" would sweep all acting tropies from almost all major acting award-giving body, land herself a cover from VOGUE and snatch an Oscar for her first ever movie role. That is AWESOME.
But that, doesn't give her the slightest right, to STEAL my little brother's silver cowboy jacket costume. I mean he was supposed to wear it on his 6th birthday as a Lone Ranger and Silver crossbreed rolled into one little tyke. Imagine the horror when I saw it on Hudson wearing it to the Oscars. Golly wow, how did that lil' thing fit on her?
Give that jacket to my lil' brother Jennifer! For one, STEALING is not a good thing. TWO, making little kids lose their appetite and cry the whole week is unforgivable. So give us that jacket back. It doesn't fit you and it looks horrible on your dress. You looked like a Black Grecian Goddess crossbred with Cowgirl's Got The Blues sort of girl. GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK!
But what I don't understand is that, why oh why do you have to uglify yourself in the process. I mean, look at Jenna Jameson, if you don't know her at all, would you think she is the Greatest Pornstar that ever lived by looking at this photo? The fake tan, the weave, the boobs and the lips that seem to be permanently puckered up. Is it a vain symbolic attempt to tell everyone that her vagina is still intact and plump after all those years of use and abuse? Since well, the vag is the "2nd lips" right? Oh well, maybe it is just my crazy idea, but look at her, I mean LOOK AT HER. She's all dried up and pruned, she actually looked King Tuts mummified remain in a yellow dress. Oh well, maybe, you cant have it all.
Boinking HOT STUDS every waking, working day isn't so bad though. I'm actually thinking of big career change. Hahahaha! Joke.
Her dress which was ill fitting btw, and looked like it was about to be stalked by a troop of hot iron any moment now, obviously didn't have the time to straighten out the dress, making it look like a slightly-used table napkin. Good thing the Oscars didn't have dinner during the show, Cameron, out of sheer desperation might actual try and offer herself to be the portable, walking napkin for everyone. All she has to do is just lay in her knees and let that flapping table napkin on her neckline wipe whatever remained from the scrumptious dinner. Very benevolent Cammy.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
And notice those freaky, ghoulish-ly long eyelashes that looked like a pair of tarantula laying their eggs on her eyes.
I am also not loving the pineapple-inspired cuff bracelet.
Jlo seemed to say, "If I keep still in this position, then I would be forever young and lovely... ohhh but my nape is hurting so bad i think I'm having a stiff neck."
1. She is too old for her Sexagenarian-Indian-Witch-Doctor/Sex-Worker ensemble.
2. Red hair is scary on her.
3. She is wearing out Television cover for crying out loud.
So now you feel like you are Rapunzel? Okay the Beast is coming up and he's about to rip your skanky hair extensions for stealing Belle's wedding gown so you better get your little viruses up and about to defend you from the Beast's wrath! Atleast you can give him someting to share to Beauty in case they do make out after. Ewww.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Look at the expression on her face. It is CLASSIC. It's as if she finally smelled how horrid she actually is. Apparently, Foxy attacked two nail technicians in a beauty salon. Well I would assume that the two nail technicians started working on her mouth since it resembles a toenail if you ask me. Who wouldn't be angry if someone started painting your generous lips with lacquer right?
Btw, this is the mugshot taken from the police station, I wonder how was she able to put on that fugly eyeshadow while in the commotion and chaos of being arrested. Interesting.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
But I am not here to talk about the crying fiasco. I'm here to talk about how J lo looked in these photos. My Gawd she is OLD. Look at all those lines. Revel at her crow's feet and laugh lines! And the MAKE UP, it looked like a cake with icing galore left under the glaring light of the spotlight to melt.
Well, you'll get over that Jlo, just open your purse and give money to Scientology and you'll see...you are going to be very happy...That's a Scientology promise.
We have to save the world from these aliens in disguise as Marc Anthony, who is actually SKELETOR. Jlo who is actually a monster with a fat ass who's wearing a satin bedsheet in the photo btw, Tom Cruise, who is actually the DEVIL in disguise, Katie Holmes who is in fact the chosen one to conceive...errr whatever.
Friday, February 16, 2007
- My movie was a big blockbuster in the early '90's
- I played opposite Winona Ryder
- I have unruly hair (which is obvious.)
- I wear tons of foundation in the movie! Darn.
- You still don't get it???? Dumb! I have SCISSORS for hands!
I give up!!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
But again, aside from the obvious that she's getting older, and her coke-induced lifestyle, not to mention her boyfriend who is narcotics-personified is takilng it's toll on her. She looks kinda old right? And why oh why did she have to wear something that made her look like agiant unfurled umbrella? Is it raining outside? Or is she auditioning for Swan Lake but this time the whole production will be dressed in black?
I wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. There are a lot weird things going on inside the mind of a style icon with a personal life as organized as the stars in the universe.
I mean who in their right mind would date a guy like THIS?!
DIRTY, LONG NAILS!
What is wrong with all these girls? Is it fashionable for a beautiful, successful girl to waste her time on a lesser known, destruction-in-flesh-boyfriend??
I give up.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Horrifying isn't it? I can't even look!
They'd go crazy and would start peeing in their pants just like what she always tell you not to do. And she would start wearing a dress YOUR size made out of fish scales from last night grilled fish dinner. She would start hanging out with your older sister's HOT boyfriend and wear heels like that of a hooker at Sunset Boulevard.
Scary isn't it? So kids please behave or your mommies will turn out like this hideous woman in the photo. Okay?
Here she looks like a Hawaiian mermaid that somehow, magically was styed like a 40's pinup girl with perfect hair or weave; flawless make-up and glitteracious rhinestones and Swarovski here and there nevermind that it is actually WET in the ocean.
It is SO Beyonce.
What do you think Beyonce would wear at the Oscars? Correct! Beads, rhinestones, sequins and all the sparkle choke you and your first born child.
Beautiful but PREDICTABLE.
I lurve Shakira and much as I tried imitating her moves in the "Whenever' Wherever...whatever" video, i can't seem to emulate that fluid belly dance that she so sexily did back during her Laundry days. Yes, her album "Laundry Service". (I still can't understand why it was titled that way.)
But when I saw her hair in these photos, I was orally-fixated.
I muttered "Surely Shakira's hips don't lie, but her HAIR has no shame!"
I mean her hair is LARGE. Large and CHAOTIC.
Do small insects live there? Are there any species in that forest still unknown to human?
We will never know.
It will remain a complete mystery to human kind, but one thing is for sure though, It looked itchy from where I'm sitting. Shouldn't her song be " Hips don't LICE"?
Just a suggestion.