Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I Need Your Help!!!

Ei guys, can I ask a giant favor from you? I mean I've just started this blog like mid-November and I've been getting a lot of good and bad feedbacks. Well I'm still happy coz good or bad feedback is still a feedback. Atleast you find something here that you either rave or rant about.

And for you guys who always keep on coming back for my unprofessional and very very bad writing, I thank you, steelerblogger from Colorado, you my dear reader from Benguet, Addition Hills, The one from China, the guy from Procter and Gamble from AOL...even the guy from the Presidential Office...those people that I so often see coming back to be traumatized by my bad writing. THANK YOU.

Now one favor from you guys.

Can you help me spread the word about my little blog? I mean it would be so much fun and inspiring to write fun stuff if there are a lot of crazy people reading it. You could tell them about my blog thru email, thru your own blog and maybe we could link each others blog so we can help one another and be one big happy blogging family!

You could also email me personally at and give me suggestions and stuff that you would want me to write about or ANY negative comment so I could improve on my bad writing and humour that i know SUCKS big time! I promise I'll write back! I swear I'm willing to trade my first born child! Joke!

Thank you so much! Hope to hear from you soon okay? I'm begging you... hahahaha!

Much love,
Gurl next Door

Ewww Fashion: Dior Ready To Wear/Pret-A-PorterFall/Winter 200-2008

I don't wanna say I'm an expert in fashion, nor in creativity in general. But what I do know is that is that I can actually determine what is pleasing to the eye and what is not. What is beautiful and practical and what is just plain absurd and ugly.

Here is the Ready To Wear Collection of Dior by John Galliano.

Keep in mind that it is READY TO WEAR. Uhm one question, ready to wear where? To Battle Star Galactica? To the Martian Jungle if there is any, or go trodding the hills--which are alive with the sound of music. Tiptoe ala prima ballerina in the Chinese rice terraces perhaps? Let me count the ways:
Clothes that Galiano designed that will surely send the PETA people to insanity. Fur, pelt and exotic skin galore! I'm pretty sure the PETA people are cutting themselves by now one painful part at a time.

Now, the clothes that are just plain ugly and absurd.

This is Dior's take on a Parisian mademoiselle that somehow magically becomes an Asian rice peddler/prostitute that again, magically was able to afford a crocodile and fur galore ensemble. Nevermind that she's wearing sky high platforms on a muddy Asian street.

A dress that your 5 year old kid can make out of folding papers. Origami anyone? NOT water resistant btw.
Fugly shoes. Look at the heels, please look at the heels! I don't know but it looks like a vibrator made from exotic skin! That would hurt!

But of course there are dresses that are actually WEARABLE and might even look good on humans.

Hugh Hefner Will Marry Holly!

Let's all celebrate and give thanks coz Hugh Hefner is finally marrying Holly (whoever she is). Marrying the playboy tycoon is every proud parents dream come true for their doting little girls. Aside of course from the hefty amount of money she will be getting, let's not forget the never-ending sexual marathon Mr. Hefner can provide (cough cough). Who could resist marrying a guy who is just barely in his early 100's, with a skin of a chewed, tastless gum and a fashion sense of an octogenarian sailor on crystal meth. I would be wearing my best corset get up that will squeeze my boobs to unbelievable proportions, just like Holly if I was offered marriage by this HOT bachelor.

Holly: Hey Maria! Send in the wheelchair here you bitch, I'm already beside the pool! Did you put him to sleep?! Good! Now help me push push PUSH!!!

2007 Academy Awards Special: Jessica Biel

"Hey guys...look at me, just look at me. Am I fabulous or what? Yeah this is the body that sent Cameron Diaz' insanity to snap. I mean I did try so hard to downplay my bootylicious body with this hot pink excuse for a dress and a little help from my dad's good ol' belt.

Am I THE HOTNESS or what...You know, sometimes I try not to look in the mirror that much coz I can't help thanking God for making me soo exotically beautiful despite having the largest mouth in the biz.

Okay to further stress my point, I will compare my boobs with that fat obese woman in white. Ugh! Don't she have any fashion sense at all? I mean she's all fat and gooey and she's wearing a white ruched frock for crying out loud!? Don't she totally look like a detergent bubble? That's what you get for eating too much Cheetos every night. Ewww.

Okay, so here it is, now THERE! Can you see the difference between MY boobs and her tubs of lard? See! *wiggle wiggle* Oh look Mama! No hands! It's still WAY up there!"


2007 Academy Awards Special: Eddie Murphy

Guys, Eddie Murphy has just brought in her REAL wife and the mother of his kids, an intergalactic ice skater diva from Mars. Actually she is a cyborg, which is actually part human part microchip which explains the stumped, catatonic smile and the emotionless stare that seems to say " My home is so far far away, up there where no earthling has ever gone.One day, I shall return..."

Too bad she is being held captive by a Hollywood actor with bad skin tone and yucky tuxedo. He seems to say " Look at my bride, isn't she pretty? She's not SCARY right?! And look, she's like 3 years pregnant but no bump huh?! I'm the man! I'm the MAN!!!"

Yeah right.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

2007 Academy Awards Special: Jennifer Lopez and Skeletor

Oh look, archaelogist has just unearthed a priceless Egyptian Artifact. The wedding picture if Queen Cleopatra and her Mummified Pharaoh Husband.

2007 Academy Awards Special: Jennifer Hudson

I love Jennifer Hudson's story. She is the ultimate poster girl of the underdogs, the overlooked and the avengers. I mean, she is an American Idol reject, she is not actually sexy in the Hollywood way, and surely, she can sing but there are other singer out there that can actually give her a run for her money or growl and grunt better than her " I'm No Leaving Without You" song she sang on Dreamgirls.
But who would have thought that this "nobody" would sweep all acting tropies from almost all major acting award-giving body, land herself a cover from VOGUE and snatch an Oscar for her first ever movie role. That is AWESOME.
But that, doesn't give her the slightest right, to STEAL my little brother's silver cowboy jacket costume. I mean he was supposed to wear it on his 6th birthday as a Lone Ranger and Silver crossbreed rolled into one little tyke. Imagine the horror when I saw it on Hudson wearing it to the Oscars. Golly wow, how did that lil' thing fit on her?
Give that jacket to my lil' brother Jennifer! For one, STEALING is not a good thing. TWO, making little kids lose their appetite and cry the whole week is unforgivable. So give us that jacket back. It doesn't fit you and it looks horrible on your dress. You looked like a Black Grecian Goddess crossbred with Cowgirl's Got The Blues sort of girl. GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK!

Jenna Jameson Is That You?

I know she is a superstar. And ANYONE, who can make himself/herself a superstar, in whatever form or reason gains my respect. Jenna Jameson, made a name for herself as a pornographic artist. And even though she became popular by exposing every inch of skin, every strand of hair and every hole in her body, she made a career out of it, didn't step on anyone in the process and became an expert in what she does and most importantly, earned BIG bucks in the process. Now that is something.
But what I don't understand is that, why oh why do you have to uglify yourself in the process. I mean, look at Jenna Jameson, if you don't know her at all, would you think she is the Greatest Pornstar that ever lived by looking at this photo? The fake tan, the weave, the boobs and the lips that seem to be permanently puckered up. Is it a vain symbolic attempt to tell everyone that her vagina is still intact and plump after all those years of use and abuse? Since well, the vag is the "2nd lips" right? Oh well, maybe it is just my crazy idea, but look at her, I mean LOOK AT HER. She's all dried up and pruned, she actually looked King Tuts mummified remain in a yellow dress. Oh well, maybe, you cant have it all.
Boinking HOT STUDS every waking, working day isn't so bad though. I'm actually thinking of big career change. Hahahaha! Joke.

2007 Academy Awards Special:Cameron Diaz

The Queen Of Napkins strikes again! Cameron Diaz, who is obviously still not over with her break up with Justin Timberlake and as a symbolic response to the pain she's is still obviously suffering, Cammy chose to wear yet, another version of the ever-reliable paper towel, but now of the table napkin version. If you could remember, only a few weeks ago, she wore the same disturbingly-themed bathroom tissue fiasco, that apparently made Valentino, the designer, a whopping 80 thousand dollars richer for that drugstore staple of a dress. Talk about business!

Her dress which was ill fitting btw, and looked like it was about to be stalked by a troop of hot iron any moment now, obviously didn't have the time to straighten out the dress, making it look like a slightly-used table napkin. Good thing the Oscars didn't have dinner during the show, Cameron, out of sheer desperation might actual try and offer herself to be the portable, walking napkin for everyone. All she has to do is just lay in her knees and let that flapping table napkin on her neckline wipe whatever remained from the scrumptious dinner. Very benevolent Cammy.

The Grudge

This is how you're gonna end up looking if your hair dresser has a grudge on you. I mean Neve Campbell could've stolen some hot oil sachets or the hairdresser must've had a crush on Neve's boyfriend. She looked like she was permanently stunned by 2 million volts of electricity or SCREAMed her way to the party.

One lesson learned though, never trust your hair to just about anyone, or worse, never cut your hair yourself and pretend that you can get away with it.

I'm Back!

I'm sorry guys I wasn't able to blog for several days now coz I was soo up to neck with my work I'm not even sure if when was the last time I took a shower. Ewww! Anyways, I miss blogging so much I'll be writing more than the usual today and of course, it's THE OSCARS so expect a lot of dissing from good ol' moi! Miss you guys!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Tarantu-Lash By Jlo

This album cover of Jennifer Lopez's (or is it Halle Berry's) latest Spanish Album showcased the mighty powers and wonders of Photoshop. She looked powdered, matte and 2 dimensional in this photo that she almost looked like a CGI generated animation of herself(think Final Fantasy, Polar Express). And oh, notice how abnormally small her ears are? Photoshop people you are so bad!!!

And notice those freaky, ghoulish-ly long eyelashes that looked like a pair of tarantula laying their eggs on her eyes.
I am also not loving the pineapple-inspired cuff bracelet.

Jlo seemed to say, "If I keep still in this position, then I would be forever young and lovely... ohhh but my nape is hurting so bad i think I'm having a stiff neck."


Victoria Beckham Is Rich and Crazy

When you are rich, I mean filthy, Paris Hilton rich, like say, you have a husband that earns a whopping $250 million in 5 years (and hot btw). And you are currently shopping for a spanking new house in Los Angeles between a price range of 15-30 million dollars and the only job you are tasked to do is to shop and shop and shop till you drop, somehow it will get one to think, "Why the hell is she wearing her husbands tattered sweatshirt which prolly David used to wipe his-what else but "sweat".
It probablywas used to swipe his sweaty armpits, his sweaty inner thighs and probably, though I'm not sure, he also used it to wipe his feet dry after a heavy football match.
And why would you also try to wear your son's little denim trousers and make it appear that they are actually yours eventhough it's apparent that you looked a lil' "pained" in the crotch area.
One thing I learned from Mrs. Beckham is that, you can never be too rich or too thin to be too crazy.
Hell, if I'm that rich, I might as well be crazy and wear even my boyfriends soiled boxers!
Errr---I take that back!

Ewww Celebrity Of The Week- Patricia Field

I don't really know who Patricia Field is. But there are 3 things I'm quite sure:

1. She is too old for her Sexagenarian-Indian-Witch-Doctor/Sex-Worker ensemble.
2. Red hair is scary on her.
3. She is wearing out Television cover for crying out loud.

Paris Hilton Is Sweet And Modest

Paris Hilton is such a crazy girl. I mean after all the storage fiasco that is, here she is all sweet and sunshine stealing Belle's Disney ballgown. I mean after all the coke sniffed; racial slurs; nipples akimbo and virus galore, here she is smiling as she was the poster girl of virginity and modesty. Ewww.
Paris, that gown is not for you, it's for Dakota Fanning to wear on the Disney Parade. look at the bust line, it barely covered your nipple, but who cares right? I mean EVERYBODY saw your nipple already. Even Stevie Wonder must've seen it already.

So now you feel like you are Rapunzel? Okay the Beast is coming up and he's about to rip your skanky hair extensions for stealing Belle's wedding gown so you better get your little viruses up and about to defend you from the Beast's wrath! Atleast you can give him someting to share to Beauty in case they do make out after. Ewww.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Foxy Brown Is Not A Fox

Foxy Brown is not a fox, she is a RACOON with green eyeshadows.

Look at the expression on her face. It is CLASSIC. It's as if she finally smelled how horrid she actually is. Apparently, Foxy attacked two nail technicians in a beauty salon. Well I would assume that the two nail technicians started working on her mouth since it resembles a toenail if you ask me. Who wouldn't be angry if someone started painting your generous lips with lacquer right?

Btw, this is the mugshot taken from the police station, I wonder how was she able to put on that fugly eyeshadow while in the commotion and chaos of being arrested. Interesting.

Britney Does A Sinead O' Connor

Via US Magazine:A source at the salon says, "Britney came in and said she wanted them to shave her head." According to the source, when the hairdresser refused, "Britney grabbed the hair clipper and started doing it herself."We were there again when at about 8:30 p.m. Britney arrived at Body & Soul Tattoo in Sherman Oaks. Store employee Emily Wynne-Hughes (in the youtube video above) tells that Britney arrived at the parlor agitated and, when asked why she shaved her head, replied, "I don't want anyone touching me. I'm tired of everybody touching me." Hughes adds, "She wasn't making sense at all and you could tell she's not in a good place at all, and that she is totally freaking out."
Hughes tells us Britney then got a black-white-and-pink cross tattooed on her lower hip and red-and-pink lips on her wrist. The price: $80. Britney was not an ideal subject, however.
"She was a nightmare to deal with," says Hughes. "She was screaming and flipping out from the pain and wiggling her body all around.At one point during Britney's one-hour visit, Hughes asked Britney why there was a pink stain on her fluffy white handbag and Britney said she had "spilled Nyquil all over it."
Hughes, who was somewhere between appalled and concerned by what she saw, adds, "After she left the shop we all just looked around and said to each other, 'We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown.'"

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Jennifer Lopez Weeps

Jennifer Lopez's movie Bordertown recently held a mini-screening at the Berlin Film festival. And while she was waiting for viewers to go jumping up and down in delight after the screening ended, something terrible, at least for her happened.

The audience BOOED her.

She jumped from the balcony of the theater after.

Haha that was a joke, but she was indeed booed, yes it's for real girls!

She wept after that. Here are the photos.

But I am not here to talk about the crying fiasco. I'm here to talk about how J lo looked in these photos. My Gawd she is OLD. Look at all those lines. Revel at her crow's feet and laugh lines! And the MAKE UP, it looked like a cake with icing galore left under the glaring light of the spotlight to melt.

Well, you'll get over that Jlo, just open your purse and give money to Scientology and you'll are going to be very happy...That's a Scientology promise.

Gwyneth Paltrow In Her First Starring Role After 2 Years

Gwyneth Paltrow starring as the CORPSE BRIDE.

Aliens Are Indeed Among Us

Indeed, aliens are among us and their are wreaking havoc to visually impair us earthlings. Who knows, someday they might even eat our first born child and preserve their placentas for Thanksgiving. So before that happens, we have to join forces in destroying these aliens from Scientology.
We have to save the world from these aliens in disguise as Marc Anthony, who is actually SKELETOR. Jlo who is actually a monster with a fat ass who's wearing a satin bedsheet in the photo btw, Tom Cruise, who is actually the DEVIL in disguise, Katie Holmes who is in fact the chosen one to conceive...errr whatever.

I definitely think Mariah Carey is the only person who can vanquish these alien entities. I mean she can just go on top of the tallest building and shriek her lungs out till she drops dead. I'm pretty sure their heads will explode and turn their green blood black.

But course at the end, Mariah will perkily ressurect, fake boobs and extensions smiling for the camera on her right angle and everyone will live happily ever after.

My boss is pressuring me right now so I'm kinda writing nonsense hahaha!


Friday, February 16, 2007

Separated At Birth

Hi, I know you have seen me way way before. Ok let's play Russian Roulette...errr GUESS WHO AM I.

  • My movie was a big blockbuster in the early '90's

  • I played opposite Winona Ryder

  • I have unruly hair (which is obvious.)

  • I wear tons of foundation in the movie! Darn.

  • You still don't get it???? Dumb! I have SCISSORS for hands!

I give up!!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

WTF! Mariah Flies Economy Class

While filming Tennessee, the exciting new independent film from Oscar-worthy Mariah Carey, who btw learned a southern accent for the movie, she needed to fly to location but since the independent film is in a tight budget, Mariah had to fly there in Economy class.
Can you believe that??!! Mariah? Who once allegedly asked a hotel to spray paint butterflies on the carpet a night before her arrival would take the Economy Class?
Before you start fainting, Mariah Carey in a true diva fashion, indeed flew Economy BUT...

Bought all the seats at the Economy and flew alone on the economy cabin.

Now isn't that DIVALICIOUS?

I lurve Mimi!

Kate Moss, The Fashion World's Great Mystery

All the world knows Kate is beautiful, and the camera ADORES her. Her little imperfections only sums up to a very sensual and attractive image. Her wonky eyes, her slightly crooked front teeth and of course her legs that seemed she just spent her childhood riding a carabao. Yes, she is BOWLEGGED. Just like Xtina Aguilera, they have legs that looks like a giant orifice.

But again, aside from the obvious that she's getting older, and her coke-induced lifestyle, not to mention her boyfriend who is narcotics-personified is takilng it's toll on her. She looks kinda old right? And why oh why did she have to wear something that made her look like agiant unfurled umbrella? Is it raining outside? Or is she auditioning for Swan Lake but this time the whole production will be dressed in black?

I wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. There are a lot weird things going on inside the mind of a style icon with a personal life as organized as the stars in the universe.

I mean who in their right mind would date a guy like THIS?!



What is wrong with all these girls? Is it fashionable for a beautiful, successful girl to waste her time on a lesser known, destruction-in-flesh-boyfriend??

I give up.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Sum Of All Fears: Bai Ling

Ever imagine how a horror movie would look like if you crossbreed all of the scariest Hollywood and Asian films of all time? Yeah I'm into crossbreeding right now so bear with me.


The Exorcist

The Ring

The Grudge

The Messengers

And all the freaky monsters in the Thirteenth Ghosts

and what do you get?

Horrifying isn't it? I can't even look!

Selma Blair is That You?

This is how Tinkerbell will look like if she loses her wings and sprinkled all her gold dust onto herself and had glorious sex with Peter Pan while he was asleep. I don't know how Peter's dong would fit but it's not my problem anymore! It's Tinkerbell's!

Somehow, she succesfully managed to look like an Easter European twink pornstar in drag. How about that???

Btw, I'm talking bout THE Tinkerbell. Paris Hilton's dog. Joking!

Grammy Awards Special 2007: Carrie Underwood

The HAWAIIAN FEVER at the Grammy's didn't stop with Beyonce.
Carrie Underwood wore a dress that is a crossbreed of something a Sunday School Teacher would wear during her Praise and Worship in church and a Grass skirt for a unique hula dance. Who would have thought that mixing Hawaiian Folk Song and Country Music would sound so good! I wonder where Lilo and Stitch is?

Grammy Awards Special 2007: Fergie

WARNING KIDS: This is how you're mommies gonna look like if you become disobedient.

They'd go crazy and would start peeing in their pants just like what she always tell you not to do. And she would start wearing a dress YOUR size made out of fish scales from last night grilled fish dinner. She would start hanging out with your older sister's HOT boyfriend and wear heels like that of a hooker at Sunset Boulevard.

Scary isn't it? So kids please behave or your mommies will turn out like this hideous woman in the photo. Okay?

Grammy Awards Special 2007: Beyonce

Beyonce is seen her singing a song from the DREAMGIRLS movie at the Grammy's. I mean she looked hot and sexy--IF I haven't seen her like this everytime she appears EVERYWHERE.

Here she looks like a Hawaiian mermaid that somehow, magically was styed like a 40's pinup girl with perfect hair or weave; flawless make-up and glitteracious rhinestones and Swarovski here and there nevermind that it is actually WET in the ocean.

It is SO Beyonce.

What do you think Beyonce would wear at the Oscars? Correct! Beads, rhinestones, sequins and all the sparkle choke you and your first born child.

Beautiful but PREDICTABLE.

Britney Spears Is A Red Throw Pillow.

And who would have thought that Britney can so fashionably fit inside a red throw pillow case? Britney Spears single-handedly destroyed the Novelty Pillow Cottage Industry. Neat.

Grammy Awards Special 2007: Shakira

Yes, I didn't finish the Grammy's because staying infront of the boob tube for 4 straight hours is too much for me. But I heard, and read from the news that Shakira rocked the house with her sensual performance. And like ScarJo, I also like Shakira because she is extra ordinary in her field of expertise. Just like Paris, she is also extraordinary in the porn industry, and Nicole Richie, who also excels in numbing herself of hunger not to mention her head is also extraordinarily large for her body frame.

I lurve Shakira and much as I tried imitating her moves in the "Whenever' Wherever...whatever" video, i can't seem to emulate that fluid belly dance that she so sexily did back during her Laundry days. Yes, her album "Laundry Service". (I still can't understand why it was titled that way.)

But when I saw her hair in these photos, I was orally-fixated.

I muttered "Surely Shakira's hips don't lie, but her HAIR has no shame!"

I mean her hair is LARGE. Large and CHAOTIC.

Do small insects live there? Are there any species in that forest still unknown to human?

We will never know.

It will remain a complete mystery to human kind, but one thing is for sure though, It looked itchy from where I'm sitting. Shouldn't her song be " Hips don't LICE"?

Just a suggestion.