Thursday, March 15, 2007

I'm Sorry

Hi guys, I haven't been able to blog for sometime because of work. I was transferred to another site and therefore, I'm kind of adjusting to the new location. Plus the work is doubly hard so I might not be able to blog for a few days more...Add to that, my laptop just broke. So I'll talk to you soon...btw enjoy the archives for the meantime okay? I love you all!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

The Case Of The Legless Lady

Legend has it that once there was a country singer named Natalie Maines, who was at one time, hated by the patriotic nation of the United States for ridiculing the President with his war campaign against Iraq. Apparently, this lady was punished for the supposed crime against the American Nation.

Last Oscars , at the Vanity Fair's Post Oscar Party, the GHOST OF THE LEGLESS LADY allegedly appeared scaring the guests out of their wits. She appeared in a red gown with only one leg driving all the guests to run away in fear.

Apparently, she is back to avenge the untimely demise of her right leg and make the people responsible for her lost leg, pay for the crime done unto her.

God Bless her soul...I mean her leg...

Jenna Elfman And Her Baby-Eating Husband

Jenna: Ok hunney, that's enough. I mean STOP IT, it's not funny anymore. You told me you'll just have a small sip of the womb juice but now you're eating our baby's umbilical cord! No no no! You don't have to do everything that Scientology tells you! I dont give a f*$%^ng care if Tom Cruise gets mad at you and ask aliens abduct your mother! Just lay off my stomach! This is our child! Stop eating him!!!! Stop sucking his blood! NOW!

Friday, March 09, 2007

I'm Back From Boracay!

I'm back guys! I'm sorry I wasn't able to say a proper goodbye last time because there wasn't an interent connection to where I went to. I went on a 5-day vacation to the Tropical Paradise of Boracay! FYI Boracay was voted as one of the best beaches in the whole world. It has the whitest, finest sands and the clearest blue water! I missed all of you! Can't wait to blog again! Mwah!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

He, I Mean She, No He--She! Whatever!

Let's put together the:

Face of 50-CENT
Body of Usher

    Beyonce's Weave

Lil' Kim's Eyebrows

And what do you get?

The Queen Of Snout

The Queen Of Pout Became The Queen Of Snout. According to the National Enquirer, the would be fashion guru for the anorexic population was allegedly chased by pigs.

Not by obese, anti-anorexia groups but by real, live HOGS.

"A source told the National Enquirer, 'Victoria was being shown around the
science lab when two pet pot-bellied pigs, who are allowed to roam free,
snuffled up to her.'
Instead of warming to the pigs and petting them, Posh
fled the scene with the source adding, 'She screamed, 'Get it away!', and tried
to run away in her high heels. It was hysterical, everyone was trying so hard
not to laugh.'
Don't try teaching pigs to pout Posh… "

Victoria Beckham's US visit didn't go as well as she'd have us all believe, after it was revealed she was the victim of a pig attack.
The incident happened when the Queen of Pout was viewing schools in LA for her three sons.
As she visited a science block in one school, a pack of pot belly pigs made a b-line for the would-be fashion guru.

How ironic, when I always thought that she looked like an emaciated pig herself. It's the NOSE Posh. Do something about that. We can see your actual BRAIN with those snouts. Not that there are a lot to begin with.


The Many Fruits In Jennifer Hudson's Life

I didn't know you could bring in coconuts to the Oscar's? Hmmm Jennifer Hudson must indeed
be a crowd favorite for allowing her this privilege...

I can't help but to visualize that it's a banana that Jennifer Hudson was holding...and she is a

big brown--err--never mind... Congrats Jhud!

Friday, March 02, 2007

Jessica As Red Riding Hood

Here are some fabulous comments about Jessica Simpson's upcoming movie BLONDE AMBITION:

"This “movie” will be the final nail in this trash’s coffin/career. Can’t wait for this to come out so we can all move on and never have to see this bimbo again! Still can’t believe John Mayer is dating her. I just deleted all of his songs from my itunes library."

"First thing I thought when I saw those pics: Shirley Temple: The Whore Years."

"Hey, I just saw Jessica shooting that movie on 19th and 5th.I have a few pix, but don’t know how to post them…my thought about the movie idea - is it really called acting when a dumb blond plays a dumb blond? lol"

'"She is gorgeous. I’m sure this will get her an Academy Award."

"So banging Nick Lachey made her famous?"
"Man, who knew she had such squatty troll legs? She is pretty good at hiding them. "

"After updates on nicole richie and the bigot heiress who gets away with everything, i have to give jessie her props. at least she IS working, and isn’t famous just for being famous. I hope Ms. Simpson does well."

Attack Of The Killer Nails

Foxy Brown recently escaped jail time when she pleaded guilty of mauling nail technicians in a Florida salon. Well I guess she promised the judge a year service of manicure in exchange to rotting in jail.

Foxy: "See I told you? My ass wont be serving jail anytime coz of THESE! My nails! I can scratch you with these! Kill you with these! Even rip your neck with these! Hehe! I am Foxy The Nail Clipper!"

Girl beside FOXY thought : Oh WTF! How come she got away with that? That dumb ass judge! I'd be serving her claws again! I don't want her doing THAT to hurts, it's invasive! I think I'd kill myself later..."

Almost There Tara, Almost There

At a recent outing, Tara Reid was again, thank goodness, photographed looking like this. I think Tara is really trying hard to regain her lost career ( was there any in the first place?). She's looking mighty fine in her simple dress, complemented by a make up that enhances her best asset--her BOTCHED STOMACH AND GARGANTUAN BOOBS-- joke! I mean, her light blue sparkling eyes. Her skin was also fabulous and dewy, and unbelievably devoid of any age lines.

She was also photographed in a bikini and again for the first time, sometime last week--she didn't traumatize kids with her frankenstein stomach this time. Whoever's the doctor/miracle worker/messiah responsible for this miracle is beyond me, but he/she sure did a good job landscaping the un-landscapable. I have a feeling it was Madame Tussaud who did the job. It was a wax figure right?

Going back to the recent Tara Reid photo in a green dress, it was pretty alright, it fitted her perfectly, without squeezing her wax boobs to frankensteinish proportions--until you scroll down...

Does the lack of movie projects caused Tara to be so peniless that she had to recycle an old gown into a cocktail dress? And if she did why be so hasty not to even sew it properly? I mean look at the hemline of that dress. She just single-handedly destroyed the beauty of a gown and a cocktail dress simultaneously. It would have been great to see that dress full-length or just a little above her knees. It looked like the heavy curtain that opens whenever a play is about to start in a theater. I bet that play sucks.

But you're almost there Tara. Almost there.

It Goes Best With A Starbucks

What goes best with a hot Venti Size STARBUCKS COFFEE? Scroll Down.

A thick Ham Sandwich of course! Courtesy of Sophie Monk.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Beyonce Is Finally Kinky

Beyonce has finally went back to her kinky roots. LITERALLY.

I believe that the hair she was wearing when she visited TRL was her real hair. What do you think? I think it's a refreshing departure from the same old tired weave that she was so used to sport, and this curly locks that she's sporting right now finally gave her that refreshing, exuberant air of youth. She looked like a young Diana Ross sans the freaky mousy eyes. I lurve it! I just LURVE it!

I'm not so sure about the outfit though.

Is it a jacket? I don't think so. Is it a dress? I'm not sure. Dis something wrong happened to the real dress that she was supposed to wear that she had to grab one of Jay-Z's army inspired hip-hop jacket and tried making us believe it was actually hers?

This military/sex worker inspired dress is appropriate if you are a hooker sent by the U.S. governement to give pleasure to the war-weary soldiers in the Middle East. But it's not for Beyonce. It's for Rihanna! Hahahaha! Joking!

Our Harry Potter Bares His Behind!

From: The Daily Mail

It won't be for reasons of modesty - Radcliffe, 17, has shown himself to be remarkably relaxed about exposing his naked body to the world - but there are those who wonder whether this full-on display, in the West End revival of Peter Schaffer's play Equus, could prove ultimately damaging to the teenage star's career.

Rear view: Daniel Radcliffe spends a full 10 minutes on stage naked in Equus
Already extremely famous for doing one thing - playing a boy wizard - there is a danger, they argue, that he could end up being known for doing one other thing - getting his kit off.

More clothes: Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter
In the play, enjoying its first major revival since it was first staged more than 30 years ago, Radcliffe plays stablehand Alan Strang, who blinds six horses with a metal spike after a disturbing sexual experience.
Executives at Warner Bros, the studio behind the film versions of J K Rowling's books, are said to have been "utterly dismayed" by publicity shots of Radcliffe naked, as well as the fact that he spends a full 10 minutes on stage without his clothes.
He will not be the only performer in the nude: there is also Joanna Christie, 24, who plays the stablegirl with whom he has a relationship.
Studio chiefs are said to fear the scenes could damage their multi-million-dollar film franchise and could even lead to Radcliffe being replaced as the young wizard.
One was quoted as saying: "Warner Bros have been building up their publicity machine for Harry's first - chaste - screen kiss when the next Potter film (Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix) comes out in the summer.
"Now our star is out there doing full-frontal sex. We've been blown completely out of the water by this."
Equus has its preview tonight at the Gielgud Theatre. The play opens on 27 February.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I Need Your Help!!!

Ei guys, can I ask a giant favor from you? I mean I've just started this blog like mid-November and I've been getting a lot of good and bad feedbacks. Well I'm still happy coz good or bad feedback is still a feedback. Atleast you find something here that you either rave or rant about.

And for you guys who always keep on coming back for my unprofessional and very very bad writing, I thank you, steelerblogger from Colorado, you my dear reader from Benguet, Addition Hills, The one from China, the guy from Procter and Gamble from AOL...even the guy from the Presidential Office...those people that I so often see coming back to be traumatized by my bad writing. THANK YOU.

Now one favor from you guys.

Can you help me spread the word about my little blog? I mean it would be so much fun and inspiring to write fun stuff if there are a lot of crazy people reading it. You could tell them about my blog thru email, thru your own blog and maybe we could link each others blog so we can help one another and be one big happy blogging family!

You could also email me personally at and give me suggestions and stuff that you would want me to write about or ANY negative comment so I could improve on my bad writing and humour that i know SUCKS big time! I promise I'll write back! I swear I'm willing to trade my first born child! Joke!

Thank you so much! Hope to hear from you soon okay? I'm begging you... hahahaha!

Much love,
Gurl next Door

Ewww Fashion: Dior Ready To Wear/Pret-A-PorterFall/Winter 200-2008

I don't wanna say I'm an expert in fashion, nor in creativity in general. But what I do know is that is that I can actually determine what is pleasing to the eye and what is not. What is beautiful and practical and what is just plain absurd and ugly.

Here is the Ready To Wear Collection of Dior by John Galliano.

Keep in mind that it is READY TO WEAR. Uhm one question, ready to wear where? To Battle Star Galactica? To the Martian Jungle if there is any, or go trodding the hills--which are alive with the sound of music. Tiptoe ala prima ballerina in the Chinese rice terraces perhaps? Let me count the ways:
Clothes that Galiano designed that will surely send the PETA people to insanity. Fur, pelt and exotic skin galore! I'm pretty sure the PETA people are cutting themselves by now one painful part at a time.

Now, the clothes that are just plain ugly and absurd.

This is Dior's take on a Parisian mademoiselle that somehow magically becomes an Asian rice peddler/prostitute that again, magically was able to afford a crocodile and fur galore ensemble. Nevermind that she's wearing sky high platforms on a muddy Asian street.

A dress that your 5 year old kid can make out of folding papers. Origami anyone? NOT water resistant btw.
Fugly shoes. Look at the heels, please look at the heels! I don't know but it looks like a vibrator made from exotic skin! That would hurt!

But of course there are dresses that are actually WEARABLE and might even look good on humans.

Hugh Hefner Will Marry Holly!

Let's all celebrate and give thanks coz Hugh Hefner is finally marrying Holly (whoever she is). Marrying the playboy tycoon is every proud parents dream come true for their doting little girls. Aside of course from the hefty amount of money she will be getting, let's not forget the never-ending sexual marathon Mr. Hefner can provide (cough cough). Who could resist marrying a guy who is just barely in his early 100's, with a skin of a chewed, tastless gum and a fashion sense of an octogenarian sailor on crystal meth. I would be wearing my best corset get up that will squeeze my boobs to unbelievable proportions, just like Holly if I was offered marriage by this HOT bachelor.

Holly: Hey Maria! Send in the wheelchair here you bitch, I'm already beside the pool! Did you put him to sleep?! Good! Now help me push push PUSH!!!

2007 Academy Awards Special: Jessica Biel

"Hey guys...look at me, just look at me. Am I fabulous or what? Yeah this is the body that sent Cameron Diaz' insanity to snap. I mean I did try so hard to downplay my bootylicious body with this hot pink excuse for a dress and a little help from my dad's good ol' belt.

Am I THE HOTNESS or what...You know, sometimes I try not to look in the mirror that much coz I can't help thanking God for making me soo exotically beautiful despite having the largest mouth in the biz.

Okay to further stress my point, I will compare my boobs with that fat obese woman in white. Ugh! Don't she have any fashion sense at all? I mean she's all fat and gooey and she's wearing a white ruched frock for crying out loud!? Don't she totally look like a detergent bubble? That's what you get for eating too much Cheetos every night. Ewww.

Okay, so here it is, now THERE! Can you see the difference between MY boobs and her tubs of lard? See! *wiggle wiggle* Oh look Mama! No hands! It's still WAY up there!"


2007 Academy Awards Special: Eddie Murphy

Guys, Eddie Murphy has just brought in her REAL wife and the mother of his kids, an intergalactic ice skater diva from Mars. Actually she is a cyborg, which is actually part human part microchip which explains the stumped, catatonic smile and the emotionless stare that seems to say " My home is so far far away, up there where no earthling has ever gone.One day, I shall return..."

Too bad she is being held captive by a Hollywood actor with bad skin tone and yucky tuxedo. He seems to say " Look at my bride, isn't she pretty? She's not SCARY right?! And look, she's like 3 years pregnant but no bump huh?! I'm the man! I'm the MAN!!!"

Yeah right.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

2007 Academy Awards Special: Jennifer Lopez and Skeletor

Oh look, archaelogist has just unearthed a priceless Egyptian Artifact. The wedding picture if Queen Cleopatra and her Mummified Pharaoh Husband.

2007 Academy Awards Special: Jennifer Hudson

I love Jennifer Hudson's story. She is the ultimate poster girl of the underdogs, the overlooked and the avengers. I mean, she is an American Idol reject, she is not actually sexy in the Hollywood way, and surely, she can sing but there are other singer out there that can actually give her a run for her money or growl and grunt better than her " I'm No Leaving Without You" song she sang on Dreamgirls.
But who would have thought that this "nobody" would sweep all acting tropies from almost all major acting award-giving body, land herself a cover from VOGUE and snatch an Oscar for her first ever movie role. That is AWESOME.
But that, doesn't give her the slightest right, to STEAL my little brother's silver cowboy jacket costume. I mean he was supposed to wear it on his 6th birthday as a Lone Ranger and Silver crossbreed rolled into one little tyke. Imagine the horror when I saw it on Hudson wearing it to the Oscars. Golly wow, how did that lil' thing fit on her?
Give that jacket to my lil' brother Jennifer! For one, STEALING is not a good thing. TWO, making little kids lose their appetite and cry the whole week is unforgivable. So give us that jacket back. It doesn't fit you and it looks horrible on your dress. You looked like a Black Grecian Goddess crossbred with Cowgirl's Got The Blues sort of girl. GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK!

Jenna Jameson Is That You?

I know she is a superstar. And ANYONE, who can make himself/herself a superstar, in whatever form or reason gains my respect. Jenna Jameson, made a name for herself as a pornographic artist. And even though she became popular by exposing every inch of skin, every strand of hair and every hole in her body, she made a career out of it, didn't step on anyone in the process and became an expert in what she does and most importantly, earned BIG bucks in the process. Now that is something.
But what I don't understand is that, why oh why do you have to uglify yourself in the process. I mean, look at Jenna Jameson, if you don't know her at all, would you think she is the Greatest Pornstar that ever lived by looking at this photo? The fake tan, the weave, the boobs and the lips that seem to be permanently puckered up. Is it a vain symbolic attempt to tell everyone that her vagina is still intact and plump after all those years of use and abuse? Since well, the vag is the "2nd lips" right? Oh well, maybe it is just my crazy idea, but look at her, I mean LOOK AT HER. She's all dried up and pruned, she actually looked King Tuts mummified remain in a yellow dress. Oh well, maybe, you cant have it all.
Boinking HOT STUDS every waking, working day isn't so bad though. I'm actually thinking of big career change. Hahahaha! Joke.

2007 Academy Awards Special:Cameron Diaz

The Queen Of Napkins strikes again! Cameron Diaz, who is obviously still not over with her break up with Justin Timberlake and as a symbolic response to the pain she's is still obviously suffering, Cammy chose to wear yet, another version of the ever-reliable paper towel, but now of the table napkin version. If you could remember, only a few weeks ago, she wore the same disturbingly-themed bathroom tissue fiasco, that apparently made Valentino, the designer, a whopping 80 thousand dollars richer for that drugstore staple of a dress. Talk about business!

Her dress which was ill fitting btw, and looked like it was about to be stalked by a troop of hot iron any moment now, obviously didn't have the time to straighten out the dress, making it look like a slightly-used table napkin. Good thing the Oscars didn't have dinner during the show, Cameron, out of sheer desperation might actual try and offer herself to be the portable, walking napkin for everyone. All she has to do is just lay in her knees and let that flapping table napkin on her neckline wipe whatever remained from the scrumptious dinner. Very benevolent Cammy.

The Grudge

This is how you're gonna end up looking if your hair dresser has a grudge on you. I mean Neve Campbell could've stolen some hot oil sachets or the hairdresser must've had a crush on Neve's boyfriend. She looked like she was permanently stunned by 2 million volts of electricity or SCREAMed her way to the party.

One lesson learned though, never trust your hair to just about anyone, or worse, never cut your hair yourself and pretend that you can get away with it.

I'm Back!

I'm sorry guys I wasn't able to blog for several days now coz I was soo up to neck with my work I'm not even sure if when was the last time I took a shower. Ewww! Anyways, I miss blogging so much I'll be writing more than the usual today and of course, it's THE OSCARS so expect a lot of dissing from good ol' moi! Miss you guys!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Tarantu-Lash By Jlo

This album cover of Jennifer Lopez's (or is it Halle Berry's) latest Spanish Album showcased the mighty powers and wonders of Photoshop. She looked powdered, matte and 2 dimensional in this photo that she almost looked like a CGI generated animation of herself(think Final Fantasy, Polar Express). And oh, notice how abnormally small her ears are? Photoshop people you are so bad!!!

And notice those freaky, ghoulish-ly long eyelashes that looked like a pair of tarantula laying their eggs on her eyes.
I am also not loving the pineapple-inspired cuff bracelet.

Jlo seemed to say, "If I keep still in this position, then I would be forever young and lovely... ohhh but my nape is hurting so bad i think I'm having a stiff neck."


Victoria Beckham Is Rich and Crazy

When you are rich, I mean filthy, Paris Hilton rich, like say, you have a husband that earns a whopping $250 million in 5 years (and hot btw). And you are currently shopping for a spanking new house in Los Angeles between a price range of 15-30 million dollars and the only job you are tasked to do is to shop and shop and shop till you drop, somehow it will get one to think, "Why the hell is she wearing her husbands tattered sweatshirt which prolly David used to wipe his-what else but "sweat".
It probablywas used to swipe his sweaty armpits, his sweaty inner thighs and probably, though I'm not sure, he also used it to wipe his feet dry after a heavy football match.
And why would you also try to wear your son's little denim trousers and make it appear that they are actually yours eventhough it's apparent that you looked a lil' "pained" in the crotch area.
One thing I learned from Mrs. Beckham is that, you can never be too rich or too thin to be too crazy.
Hell, if I'm that rich, I might as well be crazy and wear even my boyfriends soiled boxers!
Errr---I take that back!

Ewww Celebrity Of The Week- Patricia Field

I don't really know who Patricia Field is. But there are 3 things I'm quite sure:

1. She is too old for her Sexagenarian-Indian-Witch-Doctor/Sex-Worker ensemble.
2. Red hair is scary on her.
3. She is wearing out Television cover for crying out loud.

Paris Hilton Is Sweet And Modest

Paris Hilton is such a crazy girl. I mean after all the storage fiasco that is, here she is all sweet and sunshine stealing Belle's Disney ballgown. I mean after all the coke sniffed; racial slurs; nipples akimbo and virus galore, here she is smiling as she was the poster girl of virginity and modesty. Ewww.
Paris, that gown is not for you, it's for Dakota Fanning to wear on the Disney Parade. look at the bust line, it barely covered your nipple, but who cares right? I mean EVERYBODY saw your nipple already. Even Stevie Wonder must've seen it already.

So now you feel like you are Rapunzel? Okay the Beast is coming up and he's about to rip your skanky hair extensions for stealing Belle's wedding gown so you better get your little viruses up and about to defend you from the Beast's wrath! Atleast you can give him someting to share to Beauty in case they do make out after. Ewww.