Wednesday, January 31, 2007
The story revolves around a girl who was possesed by an evil spirit lurking on a scary hair extension she bought from Jessica Simpson. According to movie critics, this will be one of the greatest performance of her life. Ressurecting her stalling career to it's once stellar status as a diva and Pop Princess.
In this movie, she will scare little children and scar them for life with the monster lurking in-between her legs. She will also show her thespic versatility by eating everything that emits odor and stuffing them inside her thunder thighs.
Below is a caption of on of the best scenes in the movie.
I love Tyra! Don't get me wrong. I love her style, her beauty and humour. But I don't like HAIRY, MOIST armpits with slather of deodorant cream on it even on my mom!
I mean she can buy a zillion shaver or razor or whatever! In fact she can even buy the ENTIRE razor company if she wants to!
It would take only 5 minutes to quickly shave the pits. It doesn't have to necessarily look like someone's airing out an orangutan's vagina. 5 minutes only.
Girl Next Door.
She called this "THE PERMANENTLY STUNNED LOOK".
I mean look at that lifeless almost zombie-like pallor. Look at the surprised, humorless stare that somehow says " Look at me, im beautiful...look at me, I'm beautiful..." over and over again.
At one angle, she looked like an oversized ballerina statuette atop music box.
I'm having a great urge to spin her non stop now.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I rarely post articles about the celebrities from my dear, dear homeland which is the Philippines. Because I find their stories a bit on the boring side. But when I came about this article about a child star turned sexy actress Angelica Panganiban, I can't help but to write something about it.
Look at the picture above.
Isn't she a picture of innocence and lust packed in one beautiful body? It's like an angel's head was cut off and connected to a body of a devilishly sinful woman. Child/woman if I may add.
Until I saw the following pics.
I so love photoshop! Don't you??
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Don't scroll down if you don't wanna be scarred for life.
In tribute for her latest stunt at being "exposed" apparently, where the celebutard did what she does best--baring her skin for all the world to see. (See parisexposed.com)
Further more, here's a partial list of materials that was included in the storage facility of Paris Hilton.
* Prescription bottles for Hydrocodone, a painkiller similar to OxyContin used to manage anxiety disorders, post-party sleep aid Ambien and the herpes medication Valtrex.
* A medical bill from a Los Angeles clinic, billing an "Amber Taylor" - with the same birth date as Paris - for a miscarriage in March 2003.
* A journal analyzing her booze-fueled dreams.
* Her reality TV co-star Nicole Richie's University of Arizona ID card.
* Sister Nicky's Nevada marriage certificate.
* Several bank statements, including one with an ending monthly balance of just $9.26.
* Home videos she shot of visits with her sick grandmother.
* To-do lists that include an assortment of errands, including a reminder to buy Christmas gifts.
And in true Paris Hilton fashion, here she is, smoking a TAMPON. Ok I give up.
Yes I know. Looking at the photos above would make you wonder if they are the celebrities that you look up to. given any other day, you could've mistaken them for the laundry woman, or the girl who dresses the chicken in the meat shop, why just by looking at Eva Longoria here makes me wanna throw her a coin and give her temporary shelter.
They looked messed up, beaten and downright ugly. But some of them look pretty okay sans the make up. Natural beauties like Mischa Barton, Drew Barrymore and Jessica Simpson still looks ravishing.
For the rest, I could just pray that they don't go wondering around in the night or they might give someone a fancy fright.
As illustrated below.
Hillary Duff. (I'm concerened about the shaved brows though.)
She looks so much like the beggar downtown... dreamgirl?! DREAM ON!
Beyonce swears this product is so good and effective, it does not only protect you from unsightly sweaty pits, it also is a deo-whitener with triple whitening action. It is so good it can even make black pits WHITE as amply illustrated by Miss Knowles.
"All you women independent! Throw your hands above me!"
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Why I would do anything, everything just to have Nick back! I would even drown and orphan just to have him by my side again! I haven't had SEX in like months now and I miss Nick pushing his hard manhood on me while singin "THE HARDEST THING".
Never mind John (Mayer).
He can only sing "MY BODY IS A WONDERLAND", as if comparing my body to an amusement park is FUNNY.
This is just between us---I think John is GAY. Sshhh... You might say his hand on that photo was reaching for my boobies? No no no! He's actually feeling the quality of my dress. He can actually tell who the designer was.
I mean no straight guy would know that right?
Just a secret. It's not a PUBLIC AFFAIR ok? Cheers!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
She looks like the product of the bizarre love triangle of Oprah, Mr. T, and Tyra Banks without a straight jacket on.
Seriously I would die of hypertension and would literally fall stiff dead if I come across her in some alley on one moonless night.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Lil Kim' played the role of Goldilocks who somehow managed to get lost inside the set of the Exorcist. After the make up and prosthetics was applied, she blindingly went to another set but this time, to a porn flick where again she gets to be gang banged by 40 men (of different Animal Kingdoms btw). Luckily, only one was infected with crabs and he was taken out from the American Kennel Club.
Lil Kim on THE THREE LIL' PIGS
Her most true-to-life role ever. Lil' Kim played the part of the the bastardized daughter of one of the pigs and the big bad wolf. After the big bad wolf blew on the straw house, he saw the pig lying seductively on the floor, being the BAD WOLF that he is, he threw all his cares and made love with the sex-starved hog.
Lil' kim got the snout from her mom, and the brown pelt from his dad. Perfect.
Lil' Kim as SMURFETTE.
Only this is the X-rated, porn version of the beloved blue dwarf. Of course in this version, Lil' Kim dreams of being gang-banged by a troop of smurfs headed by Papa Smurf! Oohh incest at its finest! Wait for the grand finale where Lil' Kim will be showered by neon blue man juices by every male smurf in the land BUKAKE style.
Lil' Kim as the PINK PANTHER
Only this time, she is actually a black jaguar (is there any other colored jaguar other than black?) posing (and spray-painted) as the pink panther. I don't even know what to say anymore. Haha!
Lil' Kim as Hannibal Lecter meets Ice Princess
Here, Dr. Lecter woke up from his cell feeling a little itchy on the genital area. Lo and behold! He had changed into a girl, a black, midget ugly girl with an insatiable urge to scratch her groin. He looked in the mirror and saw the shock of her life! This is what he got from munching on other peoples brains and innards.
He can actually live the fact that he turned out to be a dwarfed black woman with ugly contact lenses, but it's the itchiness and burning sensation in between his legs that he can't seem to live with. Have mercy he pleads!
And of course, who can forget Lil' Kim reprising her role as the biological mother of Gizmo in GREMLINS 2007. (Look for the Gremlins 2007 entry on the archives pls.)
Saturday, January 20, 2007
But then again, there is something really odd and disturbing about the FACE. Something is androgenously wrong. Her face looks like a cross section of Brooke Shields during her blue Lagoon days and Jim Carrey as a Joker in that blockbuster poison Batman with George Clooney.
It must be the Frida Kalo-ish eyebrows, which I must say--was rather dark for her hair.
It could be the lips that looked like she had an all-day binge with red Japanese paper; or maybe her kid painted her mouth red while she was sleeping.
Over all, Kate Winslet did a great job. She's very pretty...or handsome.
I mean don't you just love the smell of charcoal grilled chicken wrapped in foil to preserve the moist juices of that sucullent meat. The tender, melt in your mouth taste, slowly roasting to delicious perfection.
Only to be disappointed to find out that the supposedly juicy chicken is nothing more than just an over roasted piece of emaciated sick fowl with blonde feathers and a disease that's more deadly than Bird's Flu.
No thanks. I'll pass. Ewww.
Friday, January 19, 2007
She's not only brave, she's also practical. Of course she knows that 2 years worth of passionate relationship is not easy to forget. NEVER. So she wore something where she can just reach down and grab some tissue if she feels like sobbing or blowing her nose especially the fact that she and Justin are just arms away from each other during the Globes.
You can make it Cammy. You can get through this.
And please dye your hair blonde again.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
When every member of the female population aged 18 and above would literally kill to look 12, even drink a concoction of pureed queen termite and lemon juice if it promises eternal youth and beauty; I can't believe these two soul-less millionares would go the extra mile to look like 78 year old matrons out-and-about town-to play backgammon. What with the hideous turn-of the-century pouch and fur coat; the peroxide-rich blonde mane that looks fabulous-- on Helen Mirren or Dame Judi Dench; and the perennially present smoky shadow that reminds you of Marlene Dietrich after so many bottles of vodka on a workless night.
To quote one blogger "Almighty Christ! Somebody PLEASE bury these twins to the ground because they are so asking for it."
Couldn't agree more.
I was so busy preparing for the Globe that I made appointments with my stylist, my make up artist, hairstylist, my cosmetic surgeon even my florist that I completely forgot that I have absolutely nothing to wear for the show!
Egad! I remembered about it when my personal assistant asked me where I kept my gown!
You can imagine the trauma I experienced! Suddenly, the wrinkles on my forehead deepened and the laughlines that I famously have remained imprinted on my face even if I wasnt laughing anymore. I thought of shopping for a dress myself but I had so many appointments, so I pop me some pills to relieve the tension I was feeling and told my assistant that she can go ahead and shop a dress for me.
Any DRESS as long as it fits!
I dont f***ng care if I totally look like a desperate housewife as long as I have some piece of cloth strapped on me at the Golden Globe's.
Last thing I know, I woke up almost 2 hours before the show started. My assistant forgot to buy me a dress, I missed my appointments with the stylist, hairstylist, make up artist, even my friggin manicurist! What a desperate housewife to do! I asked my household help to get that white bedsheet and create a dress for me pronto! But a white dress would be so simple and stark so I took the ribbon around my Christmas tree which btw was still standing at the corner of my room and wrapped it around my torso.
Oh the face.
I washed my face with ice cold water to numb the lines.
Waaaaa. It numbed my face. I cant even open my eyes properly. Oh darn it.
The hair? What hair. Forget the hair.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Here she is munching on human flesh after her sanity has gone astray. Is she up for a major role for Apocalypto II rehearsing her lines? (flesh-eating). The role calls for atleast 2 months of no bodily contact with water of any form and as much smear of dirt as she can get.
Jodie Marsh (I think it's Nicole Richie post feeding and breast implants) models the latest in jewelry innovations.
She had it recently patented to complete the jewelry system that is the ring, bracelet and necklace.
And now we present to you the BREASTLACE.
It is made especially for formal gatherings such as weddings, which will surely change the way the "garter" is placed.
It is also appropriate for your first date, surely this will catch your date's attention and you'll be sure hes eyes will never EVER wander around other girls.
You can also wear this glamorous jewelry when you meet your future parents-in-law; or maybe when you go out and watch a basketball game or a movie.
This piece of classic jewelry can be worn anytime, anywhere even on your kids baptismal.
Call 1-800-SKANKYHO to order one!
If you call now, you might even get the complimentary vaginalace as a free gift so hurry!
When I clicked on the archive, nothing else jumped off from the screen and illicited a terrible vomiting more than Paula Abdul's dress/torture wear last 2005 Golden Globes.
Is this some sort of a silent protest to the award giving body? Does she want to relay a silent message to the prestigious awards show? Because Paula Abdul literally squeezed the life out of her "golden globes" that it overflowed, painfully to her underarms .
I can just imagine the pain she went through just to show her protest against the Golden Globes. Then to add insult to injury, she gathered every table blanket in the hotel where she stays and transformed it into a frilly skirt to complete the golden girl look.
My own breast quiver in disgust just thinking of that. Ewww.
Nice try Mrs. Beckham.
Don't even think--not even for a second--that just because the hotness--that is your husband, David Beckham agreed to bend it in L.A. that you have the right to act up all snotty and arrogant. I know that you made it a point to forget the word smile in your vocabulary and that you made a pact with the devil just so he will turn you into a fashion icon which you so desperately want to become.
One question, how cold is it really in L.A.?
I mean I have seen you wear less fabric when you were in London and I bet, it is way, much colder there right? But why oh why, do you have to wear a fur coat (an ugly one) under the glaring sun of California?
And did an already exctinct primate have to die for someone who uncannily looks like--erm an emaciated primate, to wear his pelt.
The fur is horrible btw.
It looked smelly... it probably is. It looked like it's a good breeding ground for lice, and vaginal ticks. They must be partying like crazy underneath that horrible fur.
And please Ms. Beckham, for the good of everybody, smile.
It wont hurt, it's FREE and you will save thousands of dollars from rhinoplasty to fix that nose that has holes that never fails to let us see everything inside your head-which has only thoughts of the next fashion purchase and images of your husband's "golden balls"; and we are not talking about David's game here.
Just smile. Please.
Because a wide smile might actually redirect those annoying holes and we might be able to see you as--somewhat charming.
They might even give you bananas if you're lucky.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Oh Tara. I thought you've learned. Isnt tripping drunk on the alley, barfing your dinner onto someone and scaring kids with your botched stomach enough to learn your lesson. I mean having breasts that droop 2 centimetres every minute is bad enough, but looking like a flapper meets pornstar is worse. I mean if Jack the Ripper was alive, he'd prolly rip your chest and set you free from that--something--whatever it is in your chest.
Not unless he sees your Frankenstein-ish stomach. I'm sure he'd go running to the police for protection.
Honestly Tara, I liked you before. I even liked you here. Remember when you promised to stay sober and clean?
You look very very pretty here.
Honestly, you looked like Jenna Jameson's older sister in the first 2 photos, and please--oh sweet goodness-- spare us the feather headress. It's not fair that some bird suffered just to be on top of that hideous skanky extensions. Give them back to Britney where they rightfully belong.
The dress is pretty though. And the shoes.
Tara, just lay of from the booze and meth and you'd look fine. There is still time. As long as a certain Paris Hilton is alive, you still have the chance to redeem yourself
I just don't know bout the stomach.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
A long awaited sequel to the Gremlins movie is slated to be released this year. This particular sequel is extra special because a well-respected fashion and musical genius will appear as the lead role for this Oscar-worthy feature film.
I present to you.
Lil' Kim as the biological mother of Gizmo.
Soon. In theathers near you.
Paris Hilton just declared war.
War against foundation, face powders, illuminants.
You name it.
She feels the need to wipe out the entire planet of this basic, pore clogging comedogenic product. This she says, is her contribution for humanity.
How is she doing it? By making sure she consumes every powdery product she encounters; down to the last flicker of dust.
Scrub the sponge like there's no tommorow; till she reaches the metal base of each compact.
And the last act of heroism and self sacrifice...
She swipes it all onto her face while staring up to high heavens and shouting " Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do..."
Hail St. Paris.
St. Paris on her courageous way to the fashion guillotine.
Feel her pain. Feel her sorrow. The ultimate sacrifice.