Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Weird Advertisements and Other Products I Wouldn't be Caught Dead Using


I was killing time window shopping the other day and was on my usual shopping mood looking for the perfect outfit to wear on a special event on the 23rd when my friend nudged me to look at this huge tarpaulin poster besides Cinderella in G4 Makati.
It was a print ad campaign for Oil of Olay Total Effects. The girl was beautiful, and I learned that her name is Danielle. She's an international model based in Hongkong. The product itself is good, according to some of my friends who already used Total Effects. The real problem was, upon closer inspection, was the print ad campaign itself. Whoever conceptualized the print ad promotion should be burned at the stake and have their genitals fed to the chickens.
Specimen #1:
I just have one question in mind when I pondered at this picture. I guess Oil of Olay Total Effects comes with the latest version of Adobe Photoshop when you purchase one! Look at that almost one dimensional look on that beautiful girl's face! It's unbelievably unrealistic! If that's how you're gonna end up looking after using the damn product, then hell no! I wouldn't be see n withing 10 meter radius from it! She looked almost catatonic, plastered with that immovable smile that reminds me of Madame Tussaud's (mind the spelling please) wax sculpture.
I know photoshopping images is needed to reduce the flaws of a picture and make it appear almost, and take note "almost" perfect. Air brushing has been a tradition with the likes of magazines such as Cosmopolitan, reducing that almost figure-less waist of the latest "It" girl on the cover; maybe removing a beauy mark or two for cosmetics, or in FHM's case, lightening the err parts of the girls where light don't usually shine.
But my oh my! look closely and you will see! There's nary a line of imperfection on her face! Her pores and small lines here and there that will make us believe that she is still, indeed human was virtually erased by an obsessive-compulsive photo editor.
Notice her mouth girls. Her lips looked like it came out of nowhere, you know, like a flying saucer landing on a deserted island, it almost looked like it was floating away from her face, appearing to take off anytime soon.
I believe that minor flaws like freckles, a bit of lines up here and some blotches down there actually makes a person, nevermind if she's the most fantabulous person in the whole wide world, human. Look at Mariah Carey, okay I must admit that she looks like her mother now than say like, 10 years ago, and her voice obviously sounded more like a screeching japan-surplus bus as compared to her smooth as a jet voice back in the dark ages. But that's what gives her voice the distinction, the humanity in it, the quality that makes us relate to her that she is not an Alien Diva (note: 5th Element) but rather a human that we can see as some inspiration, that somehow, someday we might be able to be just like her if we persevere and press on (these are two of the most used words in Mariah's lyric fyi).
Ok enough of Mariah. I know I know, I'm a fan period.
Going back to that ridiculous poster, it's no wonder why teenage girls submit themselves to such horrific lengths just to look as perfect as the girl on the cover of a magazine, just to look as rail-thin like those models who sashay, or rather twitch on the ramp.
I mean, come on! I'm not telling you to indulge yourself and eat anything that emits odor, but let us all be realistic shall we? We can never be THAT perfect, coz perfection only exists in dreams, and even dreams are imperfect, that's why there are nightmares right? Because not all dreams make you feel good.
To prove my point, my friend and I scoured the malls, the metropolis, even tabloids and celebrity magazines to look for the TOP NOMINEES for the worst product advertisement and endorsers ever! Drool on our exclusive no holds-barred discoveries!
RICKY REYES GANDA NG LOLA MO!
I don't wanna sound mean, but if this is how my lola's gonna look like when she crosses over to the next life, then I might as well go with her than be petrified big time with this kind of look. I mean, she has an uncanny resemblance to an octogenarian Freddie Krueger right??!!
And what's with the eyebrows?? Was Mother Ricky Reyes that mad with his eyebrow pencil that he makes sure to consume one with every application? and THE lipstick! I can't help but to think she compulsivley used a MAGIC LIPSTICK for her smoochers. You know that cheapo lipstick you can buy at any tiangge in divisoria for 10 pesos that innocently applies to your lipstick as a sheer green colored, lipbalm-like texture, only to be GOBSMACKED several minutes later, when upon looking in a mirror, you suddenly find yourself looking like Ronald McDonalds gone wild on a cosmetic frenzy!
And what is it with old women that they are so fond of teasing their hair into a scary bouffant? I once remebered my own uber chic grandmother telling me, that as you get older, less is more. Well, I think Madame Ricky Reyes was busy filling up her pooch hole when that principle was said. Good luck to Gloria Romero though.
Ewww Factor: *** (three stars)
ELLEN OF ELLEN AESTHETIC (or the lack of it) CENTER
I was in a salon a few weeks ago when I first came into contact with this horrific image of a 78 yr old retardate with the fashion sense of a adolescent 16 year old slut while browsing a local magazine. Sure she may own a beauty center plus she's got gazillion pesos from eating live chicken in a local circus during her heydey *hehehe kidding* but that doesn't give her the right to visually abuse us with her puke-inducing take of what eternal youth is! What was a 200-year old hag thinking when she readily posed as the "endorser" of her own product wearing nothing but the flimsiest (if there is such a word) satin camisole (scan local magz and you will see her other outfit aside form the photo above) a low slung jeans plus a face pulled so tight by chemicals and her headache-inducing ponytail, that it must have been a challenge just to blink her eyes. She looked so "manufactured"I'm pretty sure given 3 minutes under strong lights and she will start melting and falling apart one fugly piece at a time. I mean, not that she's overthrowing Madame Auring in the vomit-as-much-as-you-can department, although she's giving Madame a run for her money, but seeing an old lady who's supposed to be at home washing dishes or playing backgammon while she grooms her pet Shih-tzu wearing a dress that would put Paris Hilton to shame, is a total shock!
Did she honestly believe that what she did for her business will send her laughing all the way to the bank? Por favor granny tranny, I hate to tell you this; but you just sent your business to the Neverland of bankruptcy with what you did.
What's wrong with this Madame Auring-initiated craze? Did they honestly believe they can fool the public and somehow scare them to believing that they are youthful and sexy?
Listen grandma, there is a big difference between looking youthful and actually trying desperately to look young. Youthful means admitting that you are of age but you dont look like you are, while trying to be young again is a delusion that can only lead to either insanity or damaged physique (aka Madame Auring's cadaveric face). Of course we can't deny the fact that they might encounter physical assault from people who couldn't stand their presence. Believe me, if Ellen is even somewhere within 10 meter radius, I would rip off the flimsy camisole, put it in a tight knot, and shove it up her catatonic piehole.
just look at her eyebrows, it's permanently pulled way high on her forehead, I almost mistook it as her hairline. And THE NOSE. did someone pinch and held your nose for like, a decade that it looked scarily, taut.
And oh, let's not forget the obligatory plunging canary yellow racers that she borrowed from her great, great grandaughter. Apparently, toddlers party clothes does wonders to your sagging mammaries nevermind the fact that it's actually cutting the bloodflow from waist down as long as it creates an illusion (or delusion) of a cleavage. Lesson learned: Dress you AGE. Or if you wanna look younger, atleast limit it to 10 years, not 5 decades puhleeez. You don't want people snickering at your memory when you go on to the next stage, especially your grandaughter for stretching her clothes beyond useless. Enough said.
Quiz for the day:
Guess Ellen's age and win an all expense paid trip to her salon and be treated to THE FORMALDEHYDE TREATMENT, and 3 session of her ultimate STRETCH IT LIKE YOU OWN IT derma treatment. One year supply of clothing from Osh Kosh and Gingersnap awaits the lucky winners so hurry bitch!!!
Ewww factor: ***** (can we make it ten stars please?!?!)
NICE UNDERWEAR available exclusively at SM Dept. Store


No, it's not Manny Pacquiao's social climbing wife , although there are certain similarities (e.g. hair color, japayuki look etc.) with the Filipino hero's wife, and this "creature" whose photo I saw in SM Department store with a friend just last week. I mean, sure her lips looked like it was punched mercilessly by Manny himself (take a closer, in-depth look at the photos above and notice the bee-stung look on her lips. No make it she's a scary-slut-who-tried-to-have-sex-with-all-the-men-in-the-barber-shop-playing-dama-that-her-husband-beat-her-till-her-mouth-swell-so-big-it's-not-even-funny.

She, FYI, is the owner/endorser of an underwear company called NICE. I thought, very creative with the brand name right? how the hell did she think of that? Very creative no? hehehehhe. *winks*

Again, just like Ellen's she was infected with the "owner/endorser" epidemic of desperately wanting to be the "star" of their own product. I remember Anna Dizon, bless her soul, a self-proclaimed singing (?) DIVA who, produced her own album, her own music video, her own mall tours ( with a troupe of bodyguards hand in hand protecting her in a circle, although people looked in amazement who the woman was, playing "bubuka ang bulaklak" with big burly men. READ MY LIPS. No one recognized her. She's a one woman freak show. again, bless her soul.

Which leads me back to Ms. Nice. Another case of self prostitution, whoring herself to death, making people accept her delusional state of mind that she, actually look good.

NOT.

She has this fake, orangey skin that almost looked like she had a BUKAKKE session with old japanese men with caramel-colored jizz. She tried, desperately to smirk on the second photo in a vain attempt to exude what, nonchalance? coolness? but came out as if a huge, painful, piece of loofah was coming out of her orange orifice.

Ewww Factor: **** (four stars)

JO by Joyce Orena

Anyone who has been in Greenblet 3 certainly knows what I'm talking about. It's the peculiar shop that sells cute, expensivo Italian accessories that are ultra hip and fashionable. No problem with the product actually, it's the big tarpaulin poster on the window that horrifies me everytime I think about it. This is another classic case of the "owner/endorser" syndrome, fine with me, because I heard and read that Joyce was once a model herself and Ces Orena Drilon (the newscaster dumb) is her sister.

I have here a poor quality photo of the said tarpaulin poster with Joyce on the cover. But if you look closely, and you will be treated to your daily dose of GROSS! Her armpit is still reeking with, correct me if I'm wrong, remnants of underarm hair! Or is it that her armpits are really that dark! I mean hello, you are supposed to be a model (nevermind if you are not the mestiza type rather the more exotic looking NATIVE), and you are selling expensive goodies at an expensive place. Did you get short of funds to even ask the web peeps to photoshop your underarms, or atleast buy any of those disposable razors and shave it off till it reaks of blood. hehehehe. I'm sure I'm not the only one who noticed it because people was whispering behind my back as I unabashedly stared at it with bewildered eyes. The picture here didn't do justice to the horror we saw and I recommend that you go to that shop and experience the freak show yourself. But if you're into funky, one of a kind accessories, run through the shop's door without looking at the photo (or you'll turn into stone) and splurge on their merchandise. Nuf said.

Ewww Factor: **** (four stars)

More to come! Visit for updates on this topic!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I actaully like Ellen!!!!!!!!!

ann said...

i love joyce. the only real STAR>

mike said...

YOU ARE GREAT JOYCE .

celine l. said...

wonderful joyce.
you are so sexy and beautiful.
power pinay like you.
happy new year

Anonymous said...

Sorry but I know the "real" Joyce and she a total opposite of what you call beautiful and wonderful. and her underarms are really dark, as dark as her inner self.

Anonymous said...

plastic joyce..her stuff are'nt really from italy..it's from divi and quiaps.. Eew!

Anonymous said...

those who are buying at jô by joyce oreña,guyz,wake up you're just fooled with that girl..together with his bf fabio.. I don't know if her boutique still exist at greenbelt3.. Never been there since i moved here in u.s.. I hate her pieces.. No originality..