Thursday, November 09, 2006

Wear it Around your Neck and then Squeal "I'm Your Average Garden Variety Gay/Bi and Everything Else In Between!

I have been wanting to write about this topic since time immemorial, but I have noticed that a lot of my friends are actually gay/bi/discreet/ yadda yadda yadda, I am a bit aprehensive since I have been tagged, and sometimes genuinely mistaken as one *fumes*. No offense against the third kind but haven't you noticed that a lot of educated and Greenbelt/Malate infesting kind of gays actually sport the same outfit, hairstyle, boyfriends (err.. forget the latter..hehehe).
I dont know with you, but gays have this uncanny ability to flock together, and unite in more ways than one. Pick a gay from the farthest of North, say North Pole hahahaha *joke*, seriously, like Ilocos, there, then pick another one from down South, say, Bacolod, put them together in one box and let them talk in gayspeak and wala! Cultural and verbal barriers goes poof in the air! Astigmatism-inducing terms such as, chenelyn, chorva, whiz, flylaloo, correctus magnus cactus fetus uterus name it! They can fully relate, never mind that the two fags dont even know each other's native dialects! Isn't it amazing?
Same thing with their choice of clothes, aside from the fact that they actually know by heart each and every fashion designer that sprouts from england all the way from Timbuktu, (which is btw, a gay give away; so guys, i mean gays who prefer to keep their real identities rotting inside their pink closets , never EVER, utter a single word about any designer!
e.g. "Oi ha I like your slippers with heels ha where did you get them?"
" Excuse me??!! My girlfriends "slippers" is a Sigerson Morrison kitten-heeled confection in Magenta bought for $250 so so so in L.A.!!
e.g. "Oh God I so like you Hermes Birkin!!!
"Duh!! That is a Hermes Kelly in croc, named after the American actress turned royalty Grace Kelly! She made it famous whn she was photographed by paparazzis covering here very pregnant stomach with the so called KELLY BAG! (phone rings) Uhm. err.. Hello, honey yeah, I'm bout to play uhm basketball with the "guys" later, I cant possibly see you later...(sheesh)...
See what I mean? Get my point?
Going back to the topic, i mean im totally amused that these guys actually have the same inclination for the same fashion sense( im talking, again about the Greenbelt/Malate-ish types of gays huh, not the you know, screaming faggot, parlorista would-give-you-anything-even-my-unwanted-dick type of gays) and sadly, sometimes it can get a tad too tiring *hohumm*
Okay, just to get my point across you moron, I will (kindergarten-ly) explain to you in graphic illustration the point that I'm freaking wanna say!
Evidence #1.
(note: the picture below don't imply that these cute guys are gay ok? I just wanna illustrate using their hair styles. And their friggin' celebrity so they can get away with whatever feather or plume they put on their head fyi!)

1.The obligatory spiky, took-me-2-hours-to-get-all-the-strand-in-its-proper-place hairstyle that sent Loreal's Out of Bed hair styling range to sales nirvana. I mean duh, what's with the hairstyle that reminds you of a dishelved fighting cock (of the poultry kind...) denied of his right to sex that gays just can't get over with? I mean come on, it was a nice trend back then, but hey its, like totally so last 4 years ago?!! I'm telling you, this is beyond acceptable, I mean, the only logical thing I can think of why gays so love this hairstyle is that it reminds them of a tiara. I'm totally convinced that it's that. I mean hey, if you cant live your childhood fantasy of being Ms. Luau Universe out in broad daylight, then might as well utilize that mass of keratin and pretend it's some sort of crown (of thorns rather?) and sashay your way to gay kingdom . Unfortunately. I've been surfing my ass off looking for pictures of these crowning glory, but I wasn't able to find the perfect, perfect example of hair gone haywire. But you can go Greenbelt 3 or Malate on weekends and you'll see what I mean.

2. The 80's stand up collar look.

Again another gay fashion staple. All you have to do is buy a body skimming polo shirt (especially great if you wanna show that beefcake body you've been working hard out for in Gold's Gym or Fitness First (aside frrom the occasional glimpse of that gorgeous guy's wash board abs of course...which is the REAL reason why you enrolled there in the first place), it can either be Polo, Tommy, or Crispa even, just as long as it has a goddamn collar to begin with!

Well, in my opinion, and my gay friends recommend it too, Lacoste works best, of course the genuine Lacoste and not the Divisoria species dumb. Eww, I'm so not wearing any locally made clothes because my skin itch with local fabrics. Anyways, all you have to do after you put that make up on and that mile high hairdo ( see above) , just put on that damn shirt stand up the collar, project ala Daria Werbowy and wala! You got the look!

But sad to say, this look is so passe`! And I totally believe that the collar (specifically a shirt's collar) is just meant to be where its supposed to be; resting on your fabulous shoulders, enhancing your neck and the area that surrounds it.

I would want to assume that the compelling reason for these type of gays are:

1. Again, it's that childhood dream of becoming a princess or if you wanna have the whole nine yards, the vision of being a Queen! It's every gay's life long wish to channel queen Elizabeth and wear those elaborately decorated Ballgown adorned with real diamonds, pearls and precious stones! I wouldnt mind wearing such frock even if it weighs more than two tons and will impede the natural process of your sweat glands as long as I have a long line of gorgeous men-in-waiting literally waiting for moi!

2. They want to channel the the marvelous goth-inspired myster of Count Dracula. Need I say more? Dracula has that amazing alabaster look that some gays imitate by mercilessly scrubbing on their white KOKURYU foundation to achieve that "i-just-tripped-over-and-slammed-my-face-in-baking-powder look". And need I say that they too, suck (errr) on their victims *giggles*. It's just you know, over the passage of time, the method of err.. sucking has changed..and the victim being sucked changed also, that is from women to hunks, or beefcakes or studs or the typical peniless guy who's in dire need of some major cash.

3. The body/messenger bag.

I remember being totally guffawed when I saw this cute guy guy at the mall wearing this gorgeous black thingy strapped around his body, well, honestly, i adore the bag, but seeing it wrapped snuggly around his taut body emphasizing that way beyond abs and chest, makes me wanna water the ground i'm stepping on right then and there with sheer delight (or was it an orgasmic spasm?) I totally love that ingenious fashion invention, called, THE BODY BAG.

Fast forward to the future.

I swear I will have my boobs whacked with a pewter kettle if you don't see even a single gay prancing around the metropolis who don't wear that annoying body contraption that is the BODY BAG. Again in my opinion, it s a feminine manifestation of wanting to possess something that these people can't possible have, and that to sport in Chanel 2.55 shoulder bag in public. Uhuh...I totally believe that is the major reason. And of course, gay men being the most vain creatures that ever walk the planet ( i don't believe in the term's just a polite politically correct way of gayness in small quantities) where on earth will they put their massive beauty acquisitions if not for a body bag right? It wouldnt look good if you come out of the Gym looking all beefed up and sweaty carrying A Chloe paddington bag right? (Even if the padlock design of the bag can actually suffice as dumbells). I mean you cant imagine him carrying a Sally Hansen spray-on leg make up inside his back pocket right? Never mind if that jeans is a Seven Jean (that does an amazing job on your butt cheek making it appear firm and high up the sky fyi.)

3. Leather wristband.

I don't know about this except that it makes them look either more fierce, more masculine or it evokes an image of sado-masochism. It's quite nice actually except that the style is so beaten up and used, i bet every gay/bi guy had one in their wardrobe or used it once in their fashionable life.

4. The quintessential black pointed/square-toed dress shoes. Usually paired with fitting jeans to complete the global gay image. The more pointed or squared, the better. I don't know why they are biased to these styles. Go figure.

5. The form fitting Beefy-T shirt.

The best way to show other gay men, the physique is to wear a very tight (nevermind if it impedes circulation) and form fitting (even if you're as fit as a life-size gummy bear) shirt that best accentuates your curves err I mean MUSCLES!!! Did you hear that!! MUSCLES!!! MUSCLES EVERYWHERE!!!


Well, that's about it for now, the socialite in me is in need of some fresh Evian Brumisateur to moisturize my face. I need to get some shut eye coz I'd be up and about tomorrow to do some

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