Saturday, November 11, 2006

How to Successfully Lose Your Friends (and make them enemies after)

A lot has been said and written about friends and the benefits of having one (if you don't have money, need a dress for your date tonight, steal toiletries when their not looking yadda yadda yadda...) Yeah, I believe friends are great accessories to complement your fabulous lifestyle, and without them, life would be oh-so-boring.
But sometimes they can be a bit irritating, especially when dealing with ex-boyfriends, Versace white pantsuits, designer bags and stuff. Sometimes, you just wanna be alone and be the belle of the ball.
Take Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. They were supposed to be the best of friends when they started out that shitty, no brainer but oh-so entertaining show A Simple Life. they share almost everything, you name it, clothes, boyfriends, they might even be sharing the coccaine for all we know (I suspect Paris Hilton was so high with substance on that specific episode where she languidly asked if they sell walls in WALMART.)
Look what happend to their friendship after several seasons? They threw catty remarks on each other after Nicole "supposedly" entertained friends in a party with the "homemade Paris Hilton video"(she's just jealous because Paris can take humongous cocks the size of a Del Monte export-quality banana easily in her mouth).
Of course, again, I suspect that Nicole was TOTALLY envious of Paris Hilton in more ways than one. Paris has gazillion of dollars literally waiting for her to sit on, while Nicole, on the other hand, is also rich but not as RICH RICH as the Hilton Pornstar right? I mean who wouldn't be envious if you have an aging, black singer for a father with lips the size of Jay-z's?
Remember how fat that Nicole bitch was when she started filming that freak show A simple Life compared to Paris' stilt-like limbs? No wonder Nicole looked totally emaciated these days, proving that she can be thinner than Paris. (Ok Nicole you proved your point, you now looked like an undernourished, fake-baked Somalian Shar pei, if there is one.)
she might even be the one who drugged the poor ferret that bit Paris right? I mean who knows? As they say, "hell hath no fury than a woman scorned"
Ok Paris, we know that it's illegal to pet a FERRET because it an endangered animal, but you really don't have to hide it in-between your legs right?
Now going back, after that very detailed sampling of friends lost and friends found, (I heard the two fake blondies have kissed and made up just in time for their newest installation of their Reality TV convenient! *snickers*)
Ok let me enumerate some of the ways you can turn a faithful friend into an envious enemy:
1. Wear the same clothes at the same party. Even if it's on a different date.
e.g. (Reese Witherspoon + Kirsten Dunst) +Chanel vintage dress= diasaster!
2. Possess the Holy Grail of Bags, Hermes before she can even lay a finger on the luxury merchandise. (I don't know how you'll do it, Have zillions of dollars to purchase one; rob a bank; rob a Hermes boutique, sell your soul? Whatever, just get that damn bag or any other "it" bag of the moment first, and surely, someone will be yelling on the phone tonight.
3. Hook up with her ex. There is nothing more nerve-wracking (at least on her part) than hooking up with your best friends ex and actually, experiencing (physically) the dirty, lusty secrets about him that your best friend once gossiped you about. e.g. size of his third leg; moles on his scandalous body parts; the other use of his tongue aside from eating.
You can keep your ex for all I care.
4. Arrange a bible study on her birthday. What a nice surprise! Imagine your very best friend wearing her newly purchased dress and all made up, expecting fantabulous wining and dining when suddenly, a platoon of poorly-dressed, bible-totting ladies who only utter the words, hallelujah, amen, and sya nawa, rebuke and scare you to death by saying your soul will rot in hell for the designer splurges you made that you supposed to give to charity and for the t-back you so love to wear when you don that creamy White Gucci pants. Expect one very angry atheist after that!

5. Steal her vibrator.

6. Tell her she's got wrinkles, crow's feet and laugh lines. Ever wonder why, Obagi, Creme de La Mercier, Vicky Belo, Henry and Pie Calayan and botox generate hefty bucks and lucrative businesses? Because women abhor aging. (The reason why zombie-like matrons roam the earth and scare the shit out of small children e.g. 250 year-old Madame Auring, Ellen's of Ellen's Aesthetic Center...btw you should definitely check out her website, I mean her business is ok, it's like a dermatological spa wellness whatever. Fine with me, but if youre gonna end up like her with that nip/tuck going on with her face, and actually ending up wearing a pink camisole wih jeans, which i think is very offensive given her age...thanks but no thanks! Check it out for yourself at and CRINGE!) The mere mention of wrinkles will send a girl to a beauty coma. And a comment coming from a friend means it is true, so if you want to ring the vanity alarm and send your friend to spontaneous self-combustion, then this tip will do the trick.I just spent a year in Death Valley that's why.Ok, ok I'm kidding. Meet my Mom.

7. Give her a gift from the Home TV Shopping Network.

Yeah, you read it right. If you want your friend to shriek her lungs out then you might as well give her something you ordered from the Home TV Shopping Network for her birthday. Throw in an I-ONIC TOOHTBRUSH, THE SUPER CHOPPER, PRO-ACTIV ZIT SOLUTION ( which btw, made my face much worse than it already was when I started using the solution, so bad it looked like an over toasted rice cake after just 3 days of using it and yes I admit, I fell victim to it's highly convincing campaign with lots of Hollywood stars actually swearing their asses off about the benefits of using that damn zit solution. How can you say no when the likes of Jessica Simpson, Alicia Keys, even friggin' Puff Daddy was there, throw in Vanessa Williams as a host for good measure, and I bet zillions of innocent hapless victims fell prey to this horrible product.) Bottom line is, most of the time, nothing actually works with these products, and even if they do, I'm sure the world can actually survive without these stupid excuse for innovative inventions. If you wanna really, really piss your friend off, then start calling the HOME TV SHOPPING NETWORK and order that freaking, vibrating monstrosity that promises to liquify your friend's tub of lard that is her belly.

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