5. Steal her vibrator.
6. Tell her she's got wrinkles, crow's feet and laugh lines. Ever wonder why, Obagi, Creme de La Mercier, Vicky Belo, Henry and Pie Calayan and botox generate hefty bucks and lucrative businesses? Because women abhor aging. (The reason why zombie-like matrons roam the earth and scare the shit out of small children e.g. 250 year-old Madame Auring, Ellen's of Ellen's Aesthetic Center...btw you should definitely check out her website, I mean her business is ok, it's like a dermatological spa wellness whatever. Fine with me, but if youre gonna end up like her with that nip/tuck going on with her face, and actually ending up wearing a pink camisole wih jeans, which i think is very offensive given her age...thanks but no thanks! Check it out for yourself at www.ellensaestheticcenter.com and CRINGE!) The mere mention of wrinkles will send a girl to a beauty coma. And a comment coming from a friend means it is true, so if you want to ring the vanity alarm and send your friend to spontaneous self-combustion, then this tip will do the trick.I just spent a year in Death Valley that's why.Ok, ok I'm kidding. Meet my Mom.
7. Give her a gift from the Home TV Shopping Network.
Yeah, you read it right. If you want your friend to shriek her lungs out then you might as well give her something you ordered from the Home TV Shopping Network for her birthday. Throw in an I-ONIC TOOHTBRUSH, THE SUPER CHOPPER, PRO-ACTIV ZIT SOLUTION ( which btw, made my face much worse than it already was when I started using the solution, so bad it looked like an over toasted rice cake after just 3 days of using it and yes I admit, I fell victim to it's highly convincing campaign with lots of Hollywood stars actually swearing their asses off about the benefits of using that damn zit solution. How can you say no when the likes of Jessica Simpson, Alicia Keys, even friggin' Puff Daddy was there, throw in Vanessa Williams as a host for good measure, and I bet zillions of innocent hapless victims fell prey to this horrible product.) Bottom line is, most of the time, nothing actually works with these products, and even if they do, I'm sure the world can actually survive without these stupid excuse for innovative inventions. If you wanna really, really piss your friend off, then start calling the HOME TV SHOPPING NETWORK and order that freaking, vibrating monstrosity that promises to liquify your friend's tub of lard that is her belly.