Ewww Moments Hollywood Style

A photo album of the most embarassing moments in Hollywood history. With special commentaries by the fabulous Ewww Factor Girl. ( Lots of puke-inducing photos so plastic bags are recommended) Read on:

Lindsay Lohan allegedly caught giving head to an obviously nervous hunk. I'm not sure if he's scared as shit that he will be caught with his pants down (nevermind if it's the freaking friday freckled fug Lindsay blowing him) or he's terrified he's get oral herpes from the slut of the moment. Ewww.

Paris Hilton's nipple saying hello to the paparazzi (or booing them away whichever is scarier). Say hello to one of the Olsen twins.
Fergi of the Black Eyed Peas wetting herself with what appears to be as urine. But I don't believe it, maybe a large portion of her sweat glands is situated between her legs, making her labia spew water like mad. Whatever.

Tara Reid's amazing boob job. At a party hosted by P. Diddy in Cipriani, one of Tara Reid's jugs showed up uninvited infront of all the world to see. Never mind that it actually looked like a tongue with a hole in the middle ( a cow's). Apparently she was too drunk to even notice that. Ewww. Please make it go away!
Tara Reid isn't only famous by being the poster girl of BAD GIRLS WITH BAD BOOB JOBS. she also has the most interesting liposuction done on her tummy. Let the photo speak for itself. (yes that is Tara Reid not her grandmother). A beautiful diva with a voice that just wont quit. She represented the voice of the 80's.
Now 2 decades later, with a jobless, talent-less husband; coke and meth for breakfast and sex toys for recreation, let me present to you Whitney Houston!

(more to come so check out for updates!)

Breaking Ewww News: Britney Spears Shows Us her Pussycat!

I imagine this is the effect of having a new sexy bod, being divorced from your loser husband and hanging out with Paris Hilton. I guess Paris taught Britney how to grab some media attention!
Is it only me who thinks that her pussy willow cocktail is "cuter" to look at compared to the grotesque loose flaps that is Paris Hilton's used and abused orifice? Atleast Britney looks like a cuddly, soft piglet's vagina, to think she had two midgets posing as babies who came out of that opening as opposed to Paris' hairy horror. It just goes to show that vaginas are also capable of being calloused if used with different tools.
Check it out. But I'm teling you, you could get serious eye damage here!

Weird Advertisements and Other Products I Wouldn't be Caught Dead Using

I was killing time window shopping the other day and was on my usual shopping mood looking for the perfect outfit to wear on a special event on the 23rd when my friend nudged me to look at this huge tarpaulin poster besides Cinderella in G4 Makati.

It was a print ad campaign for Oil of Olay Total Effects. The girl was beautiful, and I learned that her name is Danielle. She's an international model based in Hongkong. The product itself is good, according to some of my friends who already used Total Effects. The real problem was, upon closer inspection, was the print ad campaign itself. Whoever conceptualized the print ad promotion should be burned at the stake and have their genitals fed to the chickens.

Specimen #1:

I just have one question in mind when I pondered at this picture. I guess Oil of Olay Total Effects comes with the latest version of Adobe Photoshop when you purchase one! Look at that almost one dimensional look on that beautiful girl's face! It's unbelievably unrealistic! If that's how you're gonna end up looking after using the damn product, then hell no! I wouldn't be see n withing 10 meter radius from it! She looked almost catatonic, plastered with that immovable smile that reminds me of Madame Tussaud's (mind the spelling please) wax sculpture.

I know photoshopping images is needed to reduce the flaws of a picture and make it appear almost, and take note "almost" perfect. Air brushing has been a tradition with the likes of magazines such as Cosmopolitan, reducing that almost figure-less waist of the latest "It" girl on the cover; maybe removing a beauy mark or two for cosmetics, or in FHM's case, lightening the err parts of the girls where light don't usually shine.

But my oh my! look closely and you will see! There's nary a line of imperfection on her face! Her pores and small lines here and there that will make us believe that she is still, indeed human was virtually erased by an obsessive-compulsive photo editor.

Notice her mouth girls. Her lips looked like it came out of nowhere, you know, like a flying saucer landing on a deserted island, it almost looked like it was floating away from her face, appearing to take off anytime soon.

I believe that minor flaws like freckles, a bit of lines up here and some blotches down there actually makes a person, nevermind if she's the most fantabulous person in the whole wide world, human. Look at Mariah Carey, okay I must admit that she looks like her mother now than say like, 10 years ago, and her voice obviously sounded more like a screeching japan-surplus bus as compared to her smooth as a jet voice back in the dark ages. But that's what gives her voice the distinction, the humanity in it, the quality that makes us relate to her that she is not an Alien Diva (note: 5th Element) but rather a human that we can see as some inspiration, that somehow, someday we might be able to be just like her if we persevere and press on (these are two of the most used words in Mariah's lyric fyi).

Ok enough of Mariah. I know I know, I'm a fan period.

Going back to that ridiculous poster, it's no wonder why teenage girls submit themselves to such horrific lengths just to look as perfect as the girl on the cover of a magazine, just to look as rail-thin like those models who sashay, or rather twitch on the ramp.

I mean, come on! I'm not telling you to indulge yourself and eat anything that emits odor, but let us all be realistic shall we? We can never be THAT perfect, coz perfection only exists in dreams, and even dreams are imperfect, that's why there are nightmares right? Because not all dreams make you feel good.

To prove my point, my friend and I scoured the malls, the metropolis, even tabloids and celebrity magazines to look for the TOP NOMINEES for the worst product advertisement and endorsers ever! Drool on our exclusive no holds-barred discoveries!

RICKY REYES GANDA NG LOLA MO!

I don't wanna sound mean, but if this is how my lola's gonna look like when she crosses over to the next life, then I might as well go with her than be petrified big time with this kind of look. I mean, she has an uncanny resemblance to an octogenarian Freddie Krueger right??!!

And what's with the eyebrows?? Was Mother Ricky Reyes that mad with his eyebrow pencil that he makes sure to consume one with every application? and THE lipstick! I can't help but to think she compulsivley used a MAGIC LIPSTICK for her smoochers. You know that cheapo lipstick you can buy at any tiangge in divisoria for 10 pesos that innocently applies to your lipstick as a sheer green colored, lipbalm-like texture, only to be GOBSMACKED several minutes later, when upon looking in a mirror, you suddenly find yourself looking like Ronald McDonalds gone wild on a cosmetic frenzy!

And what is it with old women that they are so fond of teasing their hair into a scary bouffant? I once remebered my own uber chic grandmother telling me, that as you get older, less is more. Well, I think Madame Ricky Reyes was busy filling up her pooch hole when that principle was said. Good luck to Gloria Romero though.

Ewww Factor: *** (three stars)

ELLEN OF ELLEN AESTHETIC (or the lack of it) CENTER

I was in a salon a few weeks ago when I first came into contact with this horrific image of a 78 yr old retardate with the fashion sense of a adolescent 16 year old slut while browsing a local magazine. Sure she may own a beauty center plus she's got gazillion pesos from eating live chicken in a local circus during her heydey *hehehe kidding* but that doesn't give her the right to visually abuse us with her puke-inducing take of what eternal youth is! What was a 200-year old hag thinking when she readily posed as the "endorser" of her own product wearing nothing but the flimsiest (if there is such a word) satin camisole (scan local magz and you will see her other outfit aside form the photo above) a low slung jeans plus a face pulled so tight by chemicals and her headache-inducing ponytail, that it must have been a challenge just to blink her eyes. She looked so "manufactured"I'm pretty sure given 3 minutes under strong lights and she will start melting and falling apart one fugly piece at a time. I mean, not that she's overthrowing Madame Auring in the vomit-as-much-as-you-can department, although she's giving Madame a run for her money, but seeing an old lady who's supposed to be at home washing dishes or playing backgammon while she grooms her pet Shih-tzu wearing a dress that would put Paris Hilton to shame, is a total shock!

Did she honestly believe that what she did for her business will send her laughing all the way to the bank? Por favor granny tranny, I hate to tell you this; but you just sent your business to the Neverland of bankruptcy with what you did.

What's wrong with this Madame Auring-initiated craze? Did they honestly believe they can fool the public and somehow scare them to believing that they are youthful and sexy?

Listen grandma, there is a big difference between looking youthful and actually trying desperately to look young. Youthful means admitting that you are of age but you dont look like you are, while trying to be young again is a delusion that can only lead to either insanity or damaged physique (aka Madame Auring's cadaveric face). Of course we can't deny the fact that they might encounter physical assault from people who couldn't stand their presence. Believe me, if Ellen is even somewhere within 10 meter radius, I would rip off the flimsy camisole, put it in a tight knot, and shove it up her catatonic piehole.

just look at her eyebrows, it's permanently pulled way high on her forehead, I almost mistook it as her hairline. And THE NOSE. did someone pinch and held your nose for like, a decade that it looked scarily, taut.

And oh, let's not forget the obligatory plunging canary yellow racers that she borrowed from her great, great grandaughter. Apparently, toddlers party clothes does wonders to your sagging mammaries nevermind the fact that it's actually cutting the bloodflow from waist down as long as it creates an illusion (or delusion) of a cleavage. Lesson learned: Dress you AGE. Or if you wanna look younger, atleast limit it to 10 years, not 5 decades puhleeez. You don't want people snickering at your memory when you go on to the next stage, especially your grandaughter for stretching her clothes beyond useless. Enough said.

Quiz for the day:

Guess Ellen's age and win an all expense paid trip to her salon and be treated to THE FORMALDEHYDE TREATMENT, and 3 session of her ultimate STRETCH IT LIKE YOU OWN IT derma treatment. One year supply of clothing from Osh Kosh and Gingersnap awaits the lucky winners so hurry bitch!!!

Ewww factor: ***** (can we make it ten stars please?!?!)

NICE UNDERWEAR available exclusively at SM Dept. Store

No, it's not Manny Pacquiao's social climbing wife , although there are certain similarities (e.g. hair color, japayuki look etc.) with the Filipino hero's wife, and this "creature" whose photo I saw in SM Department store with a friend just last week. I mean, sure her lips looked like it was punched mercilessly by Manny himself (take a closer, in-depth look at the photos above and notice the bee-stung look on her lips. No make it she's a scary-slut-who-tried-to-have-sex-with-all-the-men-in-the-barber-shop-playing-dama-that-her-husband-beat-her-till-her-mouth-swell-so-big-it's-not-even-funny.

She, FYI, is the owner/endorser of an underwear company called NICE. I thought, very creative with the brand name right? how the hell did she think of that? Very creative no? hehehehhe. *winks*

Again, just like Ellen's she was infected with the "owner/endorser" epidemic of desperately wanting to be the "star" of their own product. I remember Anna Dizon, bless her soul, a self-proclaimed singing (?) DIVA who, produced her own album, her own music video, her own mall tours ( with a troupe of bodyguards hand in hand protecting her in a circle, although people looked in amazement who the woman was, playing "bubuka ang bulaklak" with big burly men. READ MY LIPS. No one recognized her. She's a one woman freak show. again, bless her soul.

Which leads me back to Ms. Nice. Another case of self prostitution, whoring herself to death, making people accept her delusional state of mind that she, actually look good.

NOT.

She has this fake, orangey skin that almost looked like she had a BUKAKKE session with old japanese men with caramel-colored jizz. She tried, desperately to smirk on the second photo in a vain attempt to exude what, nonchalance? coolness? but came out as if a huge, painful, piece of loofah was coming out of her orange orifice.

Ewww Factor: **** (four stars)

JO by Joyce Orena

Anyone who has been in Greenblet 3 certainly knows what I'm talking about. It's the peculiar shop that sells cute, expensivo Italian accessories that are ultra hip and fashionable. No problem with the product actually, it's the big tarpaulin poster on the window that horrifies me everytime I think about it. This is another classic case of the "owner/endorser" syndrome, fine with me, because I heard and read that Joyce was once a model herself and Ces Orena Drilon (the newscaster dumb) is her sister.

I have here a poor quality photo of the said tarpaulin poster with Joyce on the cover. But if you look closely, and you will be treated to your daily dose of GROSS! Her armpit is still reeking with, correct me if I'm wrong, remnants of underarm hair! Or is it that her armpits are really that dark! I mean hello, you are supposed to be a model (nevermind if you are not the mestiza type rather the more exotic looking NATIVE), and you are selling expensive goodies at an expensive place. Did you get short of funds to even ask the web peeps to photoshop your underarms, or atleast buy any of those disposable razors and shave it off till it reaks of blood. hehehehe. I'm sure I'm not the only one who noticed it because people was whispering behind my back as I unabashedly stared at it with bewildered eyes. The picture here didn't do justice to the horror we saw and I recommend that you go to that shop and experience the freak show yourself. But if you're into funky, one of a kind accessories, run through the shop's door without looking at the photo (or you'll turn into stone) and splurge on their merchandise. Nuf said.

Ewww Factor: **** (four stars)

More to come! Visit for updates on this topic!

How to Successfully Lose Your Friends (and make them enemies after)

A lot has been said and written about friends and the benefits of having one (if you don't have money, need a dress for your date tonight, steal toiletries when their not looking yadda yadda yadda...) Yeah, I believe friends are great accessories to complement your fabulous lifestyle, and without them, life would be oh-so-boring.

But sometimes they can be a bit irritating, especially when dealing with ex-boyfriends, Versace white pantsuits, designer bags and stuff. Sometimes, you just wanna be alone and be the belle of the ball.

Take Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. They were supposed to be the best of friends when they started out that shitty, no brainer but oh-so entertaining show A Simple Life. they share almost everything, you name it, clothes, boyfriends, they might even be sharing the coccaine for all we know (I suspect Paris Hilton was so high with substance on that specific episode where she languidly asked if they sell walls in WALMART.)

Look what happend to their friendship after several seasons? They threw catty remarks on each other after Nicole "supposedly" entertained friends in a party with the "homemade Paris Hilton video"(she's just jealous because Paris can take humongous cocks the size of a Del Monte export-quality banana easily in her mouth).

Of course, again, I suspect that Nicole was TOTALLY envious of Paris Hilton in more ways than one. Paris has gazillion of dollars literally waiting for her to sit on, while Nicole, on the other hand, is also rich but not as RICH RICH as the Hilton Pornstar right? I mean who wouldn't be envious if you have an aging, black singer for a father with lips the size of Jay-z's?

Remember how fat that Nicole bitch was when she started filming that freak show A simple Life compared to Paris' stilt-like limbs? No wonder Nicole looked totally emaciated these days, proving that she can be thinner than Paris. (Ok Nicole you proved your point, you now looked like an undernourished, fake-baked Somalian Shar pei, if there is one.)

she might even be the one who drugged the poor ferret that bit Paris right? I mean who knows? As they say, "hell hath no fury than a woman scorned"

Ok Paris, we know that it's illegal to pet a FERRET because it an endangered animal, but you really don't have to hide it in-between your legs right?

Now going back, after that very detailed sampling of friends lost and friends found, (I heard the two fake blondies have kissed and made up just in time for their newest installation of their Reality TV Show...how convenient! *snickers*)

Ok let me enumerate some of the ways you can turn a faithful friend into an envious enemy:

1. Wear the same clothes at the same party. Even if it's on a different date.

e.g. (Reese Witherspoon + Kirsten Dunst) +Chanel vintage dress= diasaster!

2. Possess the Holy Grail of Bags, Hermes before she can even lay a finger on the luxury merchandise. (I don't know how you'll do it, Have zillions of dollars to purchase one; rob a bank; rob a Hermes boutique, sell your soul? Whatever, just get that damn bag or any other "it" bag of the moment first, and surely, someone will be yelling on the phone tonight.

3. Hook up with her ex. There is nothing more nerve-wracking (at least on her part) than hooking up with your best friends ex and actually, experiencing (physically) the dirty, lusty secrets about him that your best friend once gossiped you about. e.g. size of his third leg; moles on his scandalous body parts; the other use of his tongue aside from eating.

You can keep your ex for all I care.

4. Arrange a bible study on her birthday. What a nice surprise! Imagine your very best friend wearing her newly purchased dress and all made up, expecting fantabulous wining and dining when suddenly, a platoon of poorly-dressed, bible-totting ladies who only utter the words, hallelujah, amen, and sya nawa, rebuke and scare you to death by saying your soul will rot in hell for the designer splurges you made that you supposed to give to charity and for the t-back you so love to wear when you don that creamy White Gucci pants. Expect one very angry atheist after that!

5. Steal her vibrator.

6. Tell her she's got wrinkles, crow's feet and laugh lines. Ever wonder why, Obagi, Creme de La Mercier, Vicky Belo, Henry and Pie Calayan and botox generate hefty bucks and lucrative businesses? Because women abhor aging. (The reason why zombie-like matrons roam the earth and scare the shit out of small children e.g. 250 year-old Madame Auring, Ellen's of Ellen's Aesthetic Center...btw you should definitely check out her website, I mean her business is ok, it's like a dermatological spa wellness whatever. Fine with me, but if youre gonna end up like her with that nip/tuck going on with her face, and actually ending up wearing a pink camisole wih jeans, which i think is very offensive given her age...thanks but no thanks! Check it out for yourself at www.ellensaestheticcenter.com and CRINGE!) The mere mention of wrinkles will send a girl to a beauty coma. And a comment coming from a friend means it is true, so if you want to ring the vanity alarm and send your friend to spontaneous self-combustion, then this tip will do the trick.I just spent a year in Death Valley that's why.Ok, ok I'm kidding. Meet my Mom.

7. Give her a gift from the Home TV Shopping Network.

Yeah, you read it right. If you want your friend to shriek her lungs out then you might as well give her something you ordered from the Home TV Shopping Network for her birthday. Throw in an I-ONIC TOOHTBRUSH, THE SUPER CHOPPER, PRO-ACTIV ZIT SOLUTION ( which btw, made my face much worse than it already was when I started using the solution, so bad it looked like an over toasted rice cake after just 3 days of using it and yes I admit, I fell victim to it's highly convincing campaign with lots of Hollywood stars actually swearing their asses off about the benefits of using that damn zit solution. How can you say no when the likes of Jessica Simpson, Alicia Keys, even friggin' Puff Daddy was there, throw in Vanessa Williams as a host for good measure, and I bet zillions of innocent hapless victims fell prey to this horrible product.) Bottom line is, most of the time, nothing actually works with these products, and even if they do, I'm sure the world can actually survive without these stupid excuse for innovative inventions. If you wanna really, really piss your friend off, then start calling the HOME TV SHOPPING NETWORK and order that freaking, vibrating monstrosity that promises to liquify your friend's tub of lard that is her belly.

The Brazilian, Ipanema and Rio de Janeiro

I recently had the time to go surfing the net, in search for an amusing topic that would interest you, yes YOU, my dear readers if there is one who really wastes her time reading my non-sense verbal whatever. and then I came along a very sensitive topic that I'm sure would totally titilate your playful imagination.

Are you ready?

Which do you prefer? Hairy or smooth pube area?? (hahahaha! I too cringe I think of how cheesy this topic is). Should they shave everything off down under or let it grow haywire? Girls like us getting a wax every now and then isn't new. In fact if you are able to watch those old porn film starring the ultimate sex matron of all time! errr, I cant remember her name, but she's that biatch who had sex with almost anything that moved. That lady KAYE PARKER with boobs the size of Canada who made incest a fashionable thing in the early '80's. Oh well, the movie is Taboo, my favorite porn of all time and I secretly watched all it's succeeding bastardized version, from Taboo 1 to Taboo 456! From having sex with her son, her daughter, her grandmother, to Santa Claus, to the reindeers, bamboo shoots and everything else that quivers.

Going back, I know you girls have heard of the Brazilian. Duh, YOU don't know what a BRAZILIAN is??!!! Im totally duped! That is like beyond ignorance! Brazilian, for your info, is a term used by waxist (if there is such a term) when you totally, and I mean TOTALLY remove every trace of outgrowths in your pubic area. Yeah, the first time I had one, I felt like I was a 2-year old girl all over again! Yeah, that is a THE Brazilian.

(They literally took the term Brazilian to the highest level)

Ok ok I admit, my pube area was once an Amazon Jungle, but ever since I had that wonderful invention called the Brazilian, my bf can't help travelling down south to Rio, (I'm channelling Plum Syke's Bergdorf Blondes here), *winks* if you know what I mean. hehehehe.

Which leads me back to the original topic. If you are to compare the porn movies from the Sexual Revolution days (flower power anyone??) that is from the late 70's to the early 80's, you would notice, (if you were as enchanted as I am with porn *teheehee*) that in those good ol' days, they let the pubes grow like there's no tomorrow. I mean waxing is like totally unheard of in those days as compared to the flesh flicks of today, even guys shave their pubies to visually elongate their puny little pecks.

For girls, its a complete turn-off if she hasn't stripped all her hair off down under. (ok ok a slight sighting of hair is acceptable, as long as its' not in any way shaped like the Union Jack or Island of Indonesia ok??!!)

In my opinion, I think I like it better if girls totally get rid the irritating mass of keratin off down south. I mean I know God didn't put it down there for no reason, I know there's a purpose for that, protection maybe? Ventilation? Irrigation? Mastur...err never mind.

But you know, human, specifically girls, have this unacanny ability to defy what nature has intended things to be. For example, we all know that eyebrows were created to protect our eyes from sweat especially when we do extreme physical exertion (e.g. sex, coitus, intercourse). Eyebrows act as shield against the flow of that damn sweat that actually hurt like hell! But stubborn are the girls that they pluck (ok tweeze, I'm sorry Myrza Sison said plucking is for chickens.) their eyebrows so obsessively trying to get the Twiggy or Kate Moss look during her waif heroin chic days but ending up looking like Caridad Sanchez. You started tweezing with a Frida Kahlo-ish eyebrow, after a few months you only have a badly-drawn, fake eyebrows that starts disapperaing the moment you sweat glands activate.

Same goes with our obsession with nails! I mean I'm totally freaked out with the way these sculptors posing as manicurists literally slow-kill our nails! I mean what's with obsession with the nail file, the pusher etc. I mean you are actually sending your nails to nail emergency with the way this peeps do your manicure.

Here's the skinny, do you know that a manicurist gets imprisoned if you "murder' a clients nail in other countries. notice the shape of the nails of Hollywood celebrities, if you'd look closely, the way their nails were done followed the natural shape and contuor of their toe nails. Her are examples.

kate hudson's toes

kirstie alley's toe

Only in the Philippines will you see toenails resembling that of a fighting cock! I mean why shape the toe nail like that of the fingernails? I mean its TOTALLY disgusting!

READ MY LIPS : Toe nails and finger nails grow on different appendages, so they shouldn't look the same! not at all! It's a mortal sin! (I'm too obsessed on this that I should have posted an separate topic concerning nails)

Going back to hairs hehehe, I truly believe that men, should also learn the art of trimming, but I am totally opposed to them having it all stripped off! I mean, don't you find it scary seeing this hunky guy you're so into, then finding out that he's also getting a Brazilian! Ewww! Wouldn't it be nice ripping off a cute guy's shirt and caressing his body with teeny weeny bits of cute fluffy hair?

Not that kind hair! I'm talking about a cute guy, not an obese, emotional CHIMP!!!

Now that's more like it!!! *giggles* Oh my God I think I'm coming!! hehehehehe! notice that lovely trail leading to hairy heaven??!! oohhh lalala!

Anyways, I'll leave this post with a survey question. Hairy or Brazilian?

Post your comment and prove to me that youre not H-AIRHEADS ok?

Wear it Around your Neck and then Squeal "I'm Your Average Garden Variety Gay/Bi and Everything Else In Between!

I have been wanting to write about this topic since time immemorial, but I have noticed that a lot of my friends are actually gay/bi/discreet/ yadda yadda yadda, I am a bit aprehensive since I have been tagged, and sometimes genuinely mistaken as one *fumes*. No offense against the third kind but haven't you noticed that a lot of educated and Greenbelt/Malate infesting kind of gays actually sport the same outfit, hairstyle, boyfriends (err.. forget the latter..hehehe).

I dont know with you, but gays have this uncanny ability to flock together, and unite in more ways than one. Pick a gay from the farthest of North, say North Pole hahahaha *joke*, seriously, like Ilocos, there, then pick another one from down South, say, Bacolod, put them together in one box and let them talk in gayspeak and wala! Cultural and verbal barriers goes poof in the air! Astigmatism-inducing terms such as, chenelyn, chorva, whiz, flylaloo, correctus magnus cactus fetus uterus name it! They can fully relate, never mind that the two fags dont even know each other's native dialects! Isn't it amazing?

Same thing with their choice of clothes, aside from the fact that they actually know by heart each and every fashion designer that sprouts from england all the way from Timbuktu, (which is btw, a gay give away; so guys, i mean gays who prefer to keep their real identities rotting inside their pink closets , never EVER, utter a single word about any designer!

e.g. "Oi ha I like your slippers with heels ha where did you get them?"

" Excuse me??!! My girlfriends "slippers" is a Sigerson Morrison kitten-heeled confection in Magenta bought for $250 so so so in L.A.!!

e.g. "Oh God I so like you Hermes Birkin!!!

or

"Duh!! That is a Hermes Kelly in croc, named after the American actress turned royalty Grace Kelly! She made it famous whn she was photographed by paparazzis covering here very pregnant stomach with the so called KELLY BAG! (phone rings) Uhm. err.. Hello, honey yeah, I'm bout to play uhm basketball with the "guys" later, I cant possibly see you later...(sheesh)...

See what I mean? Get my point?

Going back to the topic, i mean im totally amused that these guys actually have the same inclination for the same fashion sense( im talking, again about the Greenbelt/Malate-ish types of gays huh, not the you know, screaming faggot, parlorista would-give-you-anything-even-my-unwanted-dick type of gays) and sadly, sometimes it can get a tad too tiring *hohumm*

Okay, just to get my point across you moron, I will (kindergarten-ly) explain to you in graphic illustration the point that I'm freaking wanna say!

Evidence #1.

(note: the picture below don't imply that these cute guys are gay ok? I just wanna illustrate using their hair styles. And their friggin' celebrity so they can get away with whatever feather or plume they put on their head fyi!)

1.The obligatory spiky, took-me-2-hours-to-get-all-the-strand-in-its-proper-place hairstyle that sent Loreal's Out of Bed hair styling range to sales nirvana. I mean duh, what's with the hairstyle that reminds you of a dishelved fighting cock (of the poultry kind...) denied of his right to sex that gays just can't get over with? I mean come on, it was a nice trend back then, but hey its, like totally so last 4 years ago?!! I'm telling you, this is beyond acceptable, I mean, the only logical thing I can think of why gays so love this hairstyle is that it reminds them of a tiara. I'm totally convinced that it's that. I mean hey, if you cant live your childhood fantasy of being Ms. Luau Universe out in broad daylight, then might as well utilize that mass of keratin and pretend it's some sort of crown (of thorns rather?) and sashay your way to gay kingdom . Unfortunately. I've been surfing my ass off looking for pictures of these crowning glory, but I wasn't able to find the perfect, perfect example of hair gone haywire. But you can go Greenbelt 3 or Malate on weekends and you'll see what I mean.

2. The 80's stand up collar look.

Again another gay fashion staple. All you have to do is buy a body skimming polo shirt (especially great if you wanna show that beefcake body you've been working hard out for in Gold's Gym or Fitness First (aside frrom the occasional glimpse of that gorgeous guy's wash board abs of course...which is the REAL reason why you enrolled there in the first place), it can either be Polo, Tommy, or Crispa even, just as long as it has a goddamn collar to begin with!

Well, in my opinion, and my gay friends recommend it too, Lacoste works best, of course the genuine Lacoste and not the Divisoria species dumb. Eww, I'm so not wearing any locally made clothes because my skin itch with local fabrics. Anyways, all you have to do after you put that make up on and that mile high hairdo ( see above) , just put on that damn shirt stand up the collar, project ala Daria Werbowy and wala! You got the look!

But sad to say, this look is so passe`! And I totally believe that the collar (specifically a shirt's collar) is just meant to be where its supposed to be; resting on your fabulous shoulders, enhancing your neck and the area that surrounds it.

I would want to assume that the compelling reason for these type of gays are:

1. Again, it's that childhood dream of becoming a princess or if you wanna have the whole nine yards, the vision of being a Queen! It's every gay's life long wish to channel queen Elizabeth and wear those elaborately decorated Ballgown adorned with real diamonds, pearls and precious stones! I wouldnt mind wearing such frock even if it weighs more than two tons and will impede the natural process of your sweat glands as long as I have a long line of gorgeous men-in-waiting literally waiting for moi!

2. They want to channel the the marvelous goth-inspired myster of Count Dracula. Need I say more? Dracula has that amazing alabaster look that some gays imitate by mercilessly scrubbing on their white KOKURYU foundation to achieve that "i-just-tripped-over-and-slammed-my-face-in-baking-powder look". And need I say that they too, suck (errr) on their victims *giggles*. It's just you know, over the passage of time, the method of err.. sucking has changed..and the victim being sucked changed also, that is from women to hunks, or beefcakes or studs or the typical peniless guy who's in dire need of some major cash.

3. The body/messenger bag.

I remember being totally guffawed when I saw this cute guy guy at the mall wearing this gorgeous black thingy strapped around his body, well, honestly, i adore the bag, but seeing it wrapped snuggly around his taut body emphasizing that way beyond abs and chest, makes me wanna water the ground i'm stepping on right then and there with sheer delight (or was it an orgasmic spasm?) I totally love that ingenious fashion invention, called, THE BODY BAG.

Fast forward to the future.

I swear I will have my boobs whacked with a pewter kettle if you don't see even a single gay prancing around the metropolis who don't wear that annoying body contraption that is the BODY BAG. Again in my opinion, it s a feminine manifestation of wanting to possess something that these people can't possible have, and that to sport in Chanel 2.55 shoulder bag in public. Uhuh...I totally believe that is the major reason. And of course, gay men being the most vain creatures that ever walk the planet ( i don't believe in the term metrosexual...it's just a polite politically correct way of gayness in small quantities) where on earth will they put their massive beauty acquisitions if not for a body bag right? It wouldnt look good if you come out of the Gym looking all beefed up and sweaty carrying A Chloe paddington bag right? (Even if the padlock design of the bag can actually suffice as dumbells). I mean you cant imagine him carrying a Sally Hansen spray-on leg make up inside his back pocket right? Never mind if that jeans is a Seven Jean (that does an amazing job on your butt cheek making it appear firm and high up the sky fyi.)

3. Leather wristband.

I don't know about this except that it makes them look either more fierce, more masculine or it evokes an image of sado-masochism. It's quite nice actually except that the style is so beaten up and used, i bet every gay/bi guy had one in their wardrobe or used it once in their fashionable life.

4. The quintessential black pointed/square-toed dress shoes. Usually paired with fitting jeans to complete the global gay image. The more pointed or squared, the better. I don't know why they are biased to these styles. Go figure.

5. The form fitting Beefy-T shirt.

The best way to show other gay men, the physique is to wear a very tight (nevermind if it impedes circulation) and form fitting (even if you're as fit as a life-size gummy bear) shirt that best accentuates your curves err I mean MUSCLES!!! Did you hear that!! MUSCLES!!! MUSCLES EVERYWHERE!!!

whew!!!

Well, that's about it for now, the socialite in me is in need of some fresh Evian Brumisateur to moisturize my face. I need to get some shut eye coz I'd be up and about tomorrow to do some

Fashion Victims Beware!

I definitely hate fashion victims! I woke up one morning and heaven figuratively opened right before my heavily mascara-ed eyes *blink blink* (yes i wear mascara to bed just in case Prince Charming comes along ready to smooch me on the lips, morning breath and all! Or maybe a cute, poltergeist might jump right onto my bed and do delicious things to my hapless (pretending hehehe) Natori-clad body.

Going back to my original topic, (maybe the cute poltergeist will look like Josh Duhamel, oh wait maybe Colin Farell in that hot steamy sex vid I downloaded on the internet...errr *oops*

Anyways, yes I woke up feeling all fluttery and light when, as I have mentioned awhile ago, heaven totally opened before me ( imagine those fabulous soft clouds parting ways, then a soft beam of light came out and gave me a heavenly glow without the help of any cosmetic enhancement.)
Then I suddenly woke up and realized.

I think the fashion gods revealed to me my ultimate mission in life.

That is to TERMINATE the fashion criminals! Gag them in a nice Hermes silk scarf till they can't breath their unfashionable breath no more!

Strangle them with fantabulous Bulgari necklaces, burn them at the fashion stake! (e.g. Bergdorf, Harrod's Greenbelt 3!) Stuff their icky head inside an Hermes Birkin in Cognac.

That said, I will wear my chicest outfit and hunt every nook and cranny of the metropolis to find and persecute the fashion criminals! I will spare no one, unless you can buy me that cute Harry Winston Pink Diamond 5 carat ring( although the picture here is the delightful Jonker Diamond and not necessarily a ring but a big, and I mean BIG chunk of "ice"...hehehehe.

Enough said, read on and enjoy the fabulous fashion misadventures of moi!